carrying the weight

sitting on the floor, dark den, eighty odd degrees, both fans blowing, makes no difference. feeling rejected among other things. i read too much and i'm tired of it. i've been sober for four months straight. i quit watching 'a clockwork orange' forty-five minutes in because i didn't like it. it didn't stick to the book quite enough, too strange and overdone. although the sex was refreshing. and i mean to say, there was probably too much overt sex. but the fast scene with the two young devotchka's in his room? that was fucking cool. and i mean that literally, ten times maybe. that and the part in the old ptitsa's house where he wouldnt stop touching the sexual sculpture. otherwise, didn't do much for me. i stopped the movie and looked down and saw the touch of the devil on my right breast. it's still there.

i don't have a problem. i ate a bowl of icecream earlier tonight but i didn't enjoy it. i was bored, i didn't even really want it. and i hate that i ate it, so late at night. i see the fat in things now. so i should stop. i am 6'1"/145 lbs. and i guess it's a product of living with yourself every single day but i notice fat on myself that other people don't see. and i don't like it there. and i want it to go away. so i do somewhere over 100 crunches a night these days. which isn't really that many, but if you do it every night, it helps. i do push-ups when i'm bored. mostly because i'm not good at them. bad elbows, whatever. i'm practicing. i started a month or so ago, whenever i hadn't done any in a while, i would drop down and do 13 or so. and i moved to 15... now i do 18 or 20 each time. which still isn't terribly much, but it has helped. i need to start running. my clock goes off at 6am every day. i've yet to actually go running but i figure eventually i will roll out of bed.

i want... i want to be drunk at a concert with a good friend. i want to lay facedown on a bed and get a backrub. i want to ride anywhere at night on a motorcycle. i want to meet this unattainable girl i only know through music. i have a feeling she holds the key to my sanity.

there is a road work sign near an intersection near here. big and orange and dirty with black bold lettering. some kid hit it with some paint, but as you crest the hill and see it for the first time, the bright white appears to be a swan. laying down on a swan - floor - tossing a tennis ball up in the air, waiting for it to fall down and hit me.

my cat loves me, late at night. at least there's that.