blood on your hands. i killed a snake the other day, that much is true. it freaked me out. still freaks me out. because i can still see it hanging by its almost severed neck around a treelimb. like some black and white shot from a low budget horror flick. and swinging that blade. this is not the point. i could write a dissertation on how much it hurts to kill incessantly. how it wouldnt die even after i chopped it in three pieces. hurts to watch. hurts to do.

and now i know how it feels. nothing serious but fucking pissed. this is what it felt like for northwood hmm... thats interesting at least. man has a strong desire for revenge. much too strong. a killer instinct that we have somehow managed to wrangle into refereed outburts of aggression... and its all bullshit.

i feel so much
it is almost of my lifes philosophy to feel all you can
because if we all die eventually and never know when it would suit you better to feel all you can while you can
such a philosophy
the anti-numbness routine
but doesnt it get old
when all i can do is feel and think and explain it all to a page
for myself and for you
and its all the same all the time for all time
it sucked but i felt my priorities change
thought in terms of materialness i didnt appreciate
i want to stop
need to stop
none of that matters
i dupe myself into believing what matters
and nights like this come with nothing important and nobody important
sweep it all back to me
all i had forgotten
all that bloody backwash

i can sit here again like every single night before with nothing to say and just spew shit on the page. have i written anything? fucking hell no. its more of the same old jazz rehashed cudd. what if i said i figured that i just might make it? would that make more sense? it would be new for sure.

well maybe thats the case then. maybe i can fucking walk away from all this terrible past oriented thicket that ive wandered into. nobody has dared show me the light. jesus hasnt thought to interfere. but maybe i should just walk away. so what if i leave two of the most important people in my life? is that really what it would be... because maybe things have changed. i am still stuck on the past. i havent taken stock of my new surroundings and displaced the old notions of kindess and caring and whatever else i thought of you. whatever old opinions i had arent helping me now. not when it makes it hurt. ahh all this is the same as what ive already said...

so where do i stand right now? right now i am frustrated because i am writing nothing of any true consequence and havent for a long time and it is killing me. i am frustrated because i lost someone i care about and left another. i never expected to be left with nobody. and this terribly beautiful music is playing. it is too much to deal with because i cant match up... i cant put down words beautiful enough or sweetly enough to possibly grasp the meaning of what i am hearing. if only someday i could be like that. make people hurt like this does. starve someone for inspiration. it would all be worth it. and i never write music and that makes me feel like such a waste. writing worthwhile music would mean so much more to me than writing worthwhile prose. music can be so damn painful. prose can only hurt you as much as you will let it. a song can be recharged reused and recycled and played for audiences as long as you remember it. it can make people cry around the globe in so much more personal ways than some random prose posted on the web. it isnt as serious. but writing music takes talent and writing this shit takes none. at least i dont think so. maybe ive given up on what really matters to me. if i end up in sone university studying pre-med instead of music will it be a waste? i cant worry about that now. i must worry about love and life and digging everything i possibly can because if i dont now i might just lose it all tomorrow and will die having not dug and not loved everything and everyone i possibly could have. that would be a waste of me.

but what do i do about it? i wait. i let it be. it was a philosophy i let go a long time ago. last year. ap time. that was the plan. just let it be. what i did cannot be undone. it would be an utter fucking copout to try and pull that. cant crawl back now. i can just wait for an excuse... like if you were to commit. that would make more sense to me. it sucks to wait for it. i could just walk away. i should just walk away. you are a fucking cancer, kid, all that is bad for me. i am blind because of you and you know it. so why the apathetic eyes hun? use those lips and give me some word. and what about this other frustratinger situation eh? walk away seems the most logical option but it hurts anyway. jesus, why do i worry about my own pain... i should be so used to it by now.

christ folks, its september 11th and im worrying about my pain. fucking hell.

lets all jam in another language. because that is digging life. maybe i am just stuck in beat. its probably true. maybe im not such a great romantic. hah, love life and life for love. isnt that what ive always meant? even if ive never found the words to say it. why spend time being sad when you could be staring at your hands and wondering where all those little lines come from. i twiddle fingers to pass the time when walking and love it. try rubbing your fingers together... just the knuckles. murphy will tell you it rocks. why not lie out on the grass and stare at the sky some more? more nights on music on life on anything you can get your hands on. each trip around the sun brings us closer to death and farther from our purpose. find yourself an ideal and work for it people, dont just sit idely by. jesus, get up. and dont ever sell yourself short. its not worth it. be disappointed every now and then but dont let it sit you back down. its all bullshit and you know it. take all those mini ads for the truth and nothing else for granted. its all gifts from god or all just random circumstance. either way see it for what it is to you and take that thought and exploit it, rape it, probe it, and pillage it until it is something completely new, some new truth of yours. dig it please. dont waste it. life is only as much of a bitch as you make it. nobody should be so important that you are blind to everyone else that cares about you. its no fun, trust me. dont read whatever i say as advice or a way out unless you want it to be that way. i wouldnt reccomend it hun.

whatever ive just said doesnt even mean anything... but its beautiful isnt it? if you can dig that maybe you can appreciate it like i can. try and see and feel and know as much as you can. i live inside my eyes, my entire consciousness resides there. a little creature stuck inside a body like a robot. just mobile extensions of my inner flexible being. much like men in black. but i live in my eyes so it would be good to be blind for a day. or longer. to just live outside my natural means and see how other people cope. it would be healthy. but its not like im going to do anything about it. slacker. yeah its a bummer yeah.

hah fuckit goodnight