how do you say the right words? come in soft, so soft, and sweet... into a conversation opening it in days thats all. just, so sly so down so calm so underrated and understated and wonderful and beautiful and everything that you cant express in one phrase. even one perfect phrase. when no one can see your face hiding under a hat in a dark room how can they know? how can they tell how meek and loving you are when they cant see your eyes? when i cant see your eyes i dont know. i dont know how things stand or where to be or how to feel or what to think at all. i want those pretty eyes back. i want things to stand again. think about that feel that and understand that because it means something to me.

i write a lot about wanting things but never do anything about it. what i want is what ive not got. a soulmate from a commercial. god. places where things happen instead of not happening. biannual deferrals... its sickening. i need to leave but stay home and feel home but not be home and meet new people but not lose the old ones and make new friends without losing any and find a soulmate, a love, without sacrificing anything at all and at the same time enjoy life and play music and be fit and think and write and do work and study and make money and find out who i am and where i fit in and live through all those psychological changes i keep hearing about and realize them for myself and not be worrying about them now but to deal with them in time and...

i wish i could think like jack and write a novel like ken and switch between the two forever and ever amen. creative and fearless... peerless. sheer ignorance on your part, my dear. dont talk to me i dare you. im happier now than i was but lonlier but maybe not because of things not being lost but symbolically. symbols they mean to much to me and i dont know why. nothing is real. everything must begin and end. ship in a bottle bullshit. for things to end something must begin and logically since nothing began nothing ended except to me. to me everything happens and happens well and blows out of proportion and in my own little dream state conscious dream world i see and feel and realize and love and hate and have my own little anarchy in my head that you are both a part of and excluded from because you initiate and ignore at the same time and without knowing it. thats all... nothing you or i can do but sit and breath breathes and hope the other one feels it because i sure as hell cant hear your whispers through all this damned air. dammit... i cant feel it anymore not even emotionaly subconsciously not just physically or real like or real life when things actually happen but i can still feel that too just not what i used to "inside" back when things meant more and so did you and im not sure if you ever felt that too but fuckit why does it matter. i wouldnt know, you are all a lie. you, nameless faceless voiceless you. a figment of my perinneal imagination like the rest of me. all the important stages and layers and psychosomatic beings of me are all as imaginary as you and us and everything that never happened and all the feelings i never had only believed i had and seem to have forgotten because i havent felt any of them real or unreal in such a damned long time. 's all bullshit anyway.


how are you love? think dont answer. dont concede anything.