still too young
i havent posted in a week... and unapologetically so. things are happening and i dont know what to feel or think about any of them. soccer ended last thursday and though we ended the season - my last - on a tear it was still sad. i want to come back next year... beat friendship christian monday for senior day 2-0, won at arendell-parrott wednesday 3-1, tied at cary academy - whom weve never beaten - 0-0 thursday... and thats all. so goes my moviescript ending. coach goes blonde. ten games undefeated and now its over. this past weekend i finished a book i had been reading for two and a half months. renewed three times and due. four hundred pages of the most beautiful shit ive ever laid eyes on and its over too. i dont know what to do with myself anymore.
looked at colleges over the weekend. richmond and william & mary. they were nice but... damn i dont even know. never know what to think. im still too young. the only good i can think of about college is free basketball games, not having to get permission to do anything, and perhaps meeting some special people. so i need to leave because being here has about stopped working. this same old routine has ground to a slow squeaky grind. ground to a grind. yep... so i need something new. i need to get out and do things and go to med school even though i dont give a shit and become a doctor and make that three hundred grand a year that all of a sudden im basing the rest of my life on. i just want a break.
i want to sit at the fireplace and play beautiful guitar. i want to go off on the road and write a novel. i want to travel abroad. and none of this plays into getting a degree from bowman gray or wherever the hell i end up.
so manny did his job. the fans knew what was going on. it is odd to me that boston isnt more excited. just resigned... thats not the boston i wanted to be. two outs in the bottom of the eighth and the fans - fox sports made a point of showing every single one of them... twice - were resigned. anxious and twitchy and hopeful but knowing that theres just no way tonight anyway or at least in the bottom of the eighth for anything good or... to happen. nobody cheering, dead in the stands, some claps but wierd people that clap, to the normal fan who is sucking a finger and saying a silent prayer, no support, no life, no excitement... so trot nixon succeeds and the fans are vindicated. a bouncer to first and the inning is over. have some faith, bostonians. this isnt over unless you want it to be. i hate the evil empire.
and so anything ive written tonight is just that... words. its all i am. i am words and other peoples' music and borrowed ideas and
well thats a depressing train of thought. i suppose i am more than that to the people i see in unimaginary life. but not much more. and words to any of you. over 100,000 to date... i never thought i would get this far. ever - but what is it? have i done anything important
dammit! get over it. i want to write a book compose a song be a real human being and go beyond all that out on the road with a friend in other states and nations and conscious levels that nobody else knows about. i want to be beautiful inside and not care if anybody appreciates that at all. i want to understand what must happen and convince myself that thats good and fine and if i must go at it alone then so be it even though i need people and more specifically someone more than i ever knew before and can only hope to meet her in college or beyond i just dont want to wait that long. i want to find a happy glorious fine median between having a lucrative job and being a crazy ass motherfucking sonofabitch like i feel like inside someone i can be and feel and know and be friends with and love at the same time and all at once and i want that to be enough so that me and my monkey, me and my perpetual girl will be happy until we both die of some natural and quick painless easy not hard god-blessed way in the future and be happy and content with that.
no regrets
looked at colleges over the weekend. richmond and william & mary. they were nice but... damn i dont even know. never know what to think. im still too young. the only good i can think of about college is free basketball games, not having to get permission to do anything, and perhaps meeting some special people. so i need to leave because being here has about stopped working. this same old routine has ground to a slow squeaky grind. ground to a grind. yep... so i need something new. i need to get out and do things and go to med school even though i dont give a shit and become a doctor and make that three hundred grand a year that all of a sudden im basing the rest of my life on. i just want a break.
i want to sit at the fireplace and play beautiful guitar. i want to go off on the road and write a novel. i want to travel abroad. and none of this plays into getting a degree from bowman gray or wherever the hell i end up.
so manny did his job. the fans knew what was going on. it is odd to me that boston isnt more excited. just resigned... thats not the boston i wanted to be. two outs in the bottom of the eighth and the fans - fox sports made a point of showing every single one of them... twice - were resigned. anxious and twitchy and hopeful but knowing that theres just no way tonight anyway or at least in the bottom of the eighth for anything good or... to happen. nobody cheering, dead in the stands, some claps but wierd people that clap, to the normal fan who is sucking a finger and saying a silent prayer, no support, no life, no excitement... so trot nixon succeeds and the fans are vindicated. a bouncer to first and the inning is over. have some faith, bostonians. this isnt over unless you want it to be. i hate the evil empire.
and so anything ive written tonight is just that... words. its all i am. i am words and other peoples' music and borrowed ideas and
well thats a depressing train of thought. i suppose i am more than that to the people i see in unimaginary life. but not much more. and words to any of you. over 100,000 to date... i never thought i would get this far. ever - but what is it? have i done anything important
dammit! get over it. i want to write a book compose a song be a real human being and go beyond all that out on the road with a friend in other states and nations and conscious levels that nobody else knows about. i want to be beautiful inside and not care if anybody appreciates that at all. i want to understand what must happen and convince myself that thats good and fine and if i must go at it alone then so be it even though i need people and more specifically someone more than i ever knew before and can only hope to meet her in college or beyond i just dont want to wait that long. i want to find a happy glorious fine median between having a lucrative job and being a crazy ass motherfucking sonofabitch like i feel like inside someone i can be and feel and know and be friends with and love at the same time and all at once and i want that to be enough so that me and my monkey, me and my perpetual girl will be happy until we both die of some natural and quick painless easy not hard god-blessed way in the future and be happy and content with that.
no regrets
posted by sunshine at 11:31 PM
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