dammit kid, you frustrate me. and trying to find decent cars online... actually i did find a drop-dead gorgeous '51 packard for sale in springfield virginia that i would sell the volvo in a second for but i doubt somehow that i could afford it. of course theres more to affording a car than the asking price and chrome parts aint cheap. there just aint many good buicks left either. whatever... i dont really have anything else to say.

theres no ceiling above my head, just insulator and frame boards sans-plaster because the roof in here was leaking a while back and its getting fixed. tonight my dad and i moved the two plants - more like mini trees - out of here and into the den next to us and as i sit and muse over what to write next it occurs to me they each elicit totally different thoughts from where im sitting. the first one is a pine of some sort... or some kind of ever greenish thing - norfolk maybe - and is sitting semi in front of the television but also between it and me so it doesnt reflect any light back at me. the only way to really distinguish it is by the indirect light that shines through off the gold wall in the background from the television dans bureau. the thing about these trees is that it basically consists of a single skinny but strong trunk covered in little green fat needles - as are the rest of the branches - and branches. the very top has little short branches that shoot upwards. then theres nothing for a couple inches... the middle has longer branches that shoot out and droop a bit. then theres nothing for a couple inches... the bottom has even bigger branches that just droop. the important thing here, however, isnt the droop of the branches but the total picture. the tree is one of those hawaiian hula dancers. grass skirt... arms out... umm head. ok so that one was a waste. trust me though, it really is a hula dancer. hula dancer.

the other tree is much more dramatic. the tree itself is more of a mini hardwood type with broader green leaves but is still pretty skinny and almost wimpy. the thing is, the tv reflects off it to me so it is lit up like on display. the white trunk pierces the drab room and gives the impression less of a tree in a room and more of some tree in the wild. yeah, i can see a storm with lightning striking in the woods that would illuminate a tree like this. or a forest fire with flickering flames singing its bark. this tree is drama itself. its life and death and such power and awe that you could not possibly understand unless you were here. i sit here amazed.

i didnt even hardly try to write music tonight. it just wasnt worth it. the effort... creativity... patience... yeah none of it was there tonight. and - arg - still no one really captivating to talk to. but that makes it like most nights. i mean im not really disappointed by it all. by this point, my expectations are lower. lowered the bar... and by that i do not reference limbo because typically that is the polar opposite of what i mean. for the past two years ive hurt to much and though ive hated it, truth is ive learned to live with it. so though i may get a bit emotional for short bursts of time when you leave as i sit down - and this happens all too often kid - i get over it just as quick. though id like to be a less emotional person in the future... well maybe not less emotional but more in control of how and when i express it. throughout it all ive developed a particularly bad habit of getting really bent out of shape about stuff i can attribute to teenage life by now. maybe it doesnt bother me as much that you get drunk but that it wasnt with me. who the hell knows. i can apologize for making it hell on a couple people who have been particularly kind enough to always listen to me whine and they probably deserve it but i dont think i have any regrets. which is to say that i dont think any of my developement up to now has been terrible in any way. its just whats brought me to here, now, writing. now if ive really been a pain in the arse im sorry for not being better about it but im not sorry for feeling the way i did. what im trying to say is that even though i still get bent out of shape, im trying to stop. and maybe someday i can be that best friend you wanted all along and be happy with that. i dont know when that will be but i do look forward to it. and through my pain in the ass regression - or progression - back into terminal relaxation... i hope i can regain some of that lost spark that pushed other people away. so heres to my future. i just hope i dont run out of people to share it with.