this is the third night in a row i have posted. this is called a spree. famous sprees include shopping sprees, shooting sprees, the polyphonic spree, and chewy sprees. spree is a very strange word. but i didnt post tonight to write about spree. im not sure why i did at all. maybe its because i have no one good to talk to and nothing else to do. ive given up on guitar for the night. it got too damn difficult. trying to write a song... what a waste. even if i manage to paste together a decent enough chord progression i cant write the lyrics. i suppose i could write the lyrics - as i did on the lawnmower today - without the music or the music without the lyrics but never both. and usually songs have both. because my lyrics arent good enough to stand alone as - say - poetry and my music is definitely not quite instrumentalist quality so ive basically got nothing.

out in dirty durham last wednesday before the concert and my short break i played in a terrible soccer game. so we lost and i didnt do anything very good... but there was a bright spot. that one pointin time every single year when i recognize the autumn. i appreciated it as a kid... i remember once i sat outside the first day i felt the crisp breeze that pretty much signifies the end of summer to me and swung on my swingset and sang a song i made up on the spot. i dont know how long i stayed out there but it feels like forever. so ive always made a point of appreciating the first instance of that cool crisp air every year. and out on that soccer field in the middle of crime-ridden dirty durham i stood in the backfield during a broken play and looked at the sky. it was so blue... the sky is so much richer and filled with some intangible and hardly explanable quality that is so much more evident when the air is cooler and theres a breeze at your face. it was one of those moments i could look up and take a breather and really thank god for whatever this was that i was getting notions of. because its really amazing when you are overwhelmed by a sky. it had to be something there for me to remember now - nights later - and that i can still feel. something to thank god about.

i mentioned last night how the only times i ever really know whats good for me is when im writing and praying. its also occured to me that when i pray i end up thanking god a lot more than i do complaining. for some reason its tough to post formal complaints with the big guy. whenever i feel really shitty i might pray in some terse quiet manner that is somehow supposed to let god know that im angry with him but otherwise whenever im figuring myself out in this oratory to heaven i end up saying thanks a lot more than not. thanks for all the blessings. thanks for the people. yeah help my relationships to mature and somehow help me find that soulmate someday that i feel like i deserve but really god, just thanks. help me to utilize these opportunities and somehow make the most out of what youve given me. and thanks... cause its a lot and i realize that. ive got nothing to complain about in the grand scale of things. growing up male middleclass and white could be worse. so thanks. i just wish i felt like that more often. more often i could feel like the blessings are infecting me and infectious laughter bubbles up and the sky spins around me and its blue and cool and everything is wonderful and blessed all at once. but thanks.

once bob vernon - yes the television personality - {you are my sunshine} - no not bob - came to our church to preach a sermon. truthfully i didnt like it that much. it was corny. at the end he told us to close our eyes and visualize a field and jesus is there and look into his eyes and hes holding his arms out for you and run out and hug jesus... or something like that. now for some reason i had a different vision. my field was on the side of a mountain - gently sloped but still sloped - i am standing looking down the slope and there is short grass and tufts of longer grass and big rocks strewn randomly around like something you can imagine in scotland or ireland with goats {but there are no goats in the vision}. when i see jesus he is a large robot floating in the sky. jesus is metal and has square feet and a square head and closely resembles ironman. his features appear painted on more than anything and his arms arent out to greet me but out to the side like he is hanging on a cross. his eyes arent looking at me but are just robot eyes and he just floats there in the sky like some prodigy - some frightening robot - robots dont care they just float there. so jesus is just floating there and i can see him and almost touch him. this is disturbing to dream me but i still believe it is jesus. bob tells us to run and give jesus a hug so i run towards him but it is down the mountain to jesus and by the time i reach him he is too far off the ground. so i jump and jump and call for jesus but i cant get to him. jesus is just out of my reach.