i am fucking sick of writing sad serious things. but the only way i can really write is to be serious. i find it difficult to be pleased with myself going on about stupid things. i cant really write in the way i want to when i dont have anything substantial to write about. it feels like the old me, the one i grew out of last year. i dont know though, maybe its better to write about stupid things every once in a while. i just dont feel like that kid anymore. i havent in a long time.

so i need to write about something happy... or at least not sad... that is happening. and all thats turning into is 'you are my joy' over and over again. which leads me back to relationships which is nowhere i want to be right now. rather i should say, its always where i want to be when things are good. or when i can talk about it freely. such a drama queen {king... whatever}. and i suck at drama. maybe i want to be a performing artist someday. but i would have to write my own music. thats going nowhere at the moment. only that four chord thing i mentioned last night. i dont really count that as a song, just a cool progression. but progressions are like baby songs. and i would need to write words which in music are called lyrics. this is based off poetry. i guess they used to sing poetry back in the day. on to song three-ninety-two. its a good one. a cover. covers are all i know at the moment. i fantasize when i mow the grass of recording an album in my basement of me doing covers. i know enough of them... i even have a title in mind. something to muse about anyway. oh and dammit son all the songs i would write anyway would probably be about relationships... its the easiest thing. most poetic to me and every other wannabe songwriter out there. its the easy way out. dont need to go there.

is this better? i hope i am not being too manic depressed tonight. although, truth be told, i am wondering why certain people arent speaking to me. its ironic though, i am using their togetherness as an excuse not to talk to them... but it would still be nice for them to put forth the first hello.

oh god oh god oh god... beautiful music. i need to know this song. ruin it for myself. its so perfect... a cover. covers are things you can either fuck up or make wonderful. this is definitely wonderful. no i wont tell you what it is. ah - nothing is real. makes me smile every time... this cover. such contradictions... ah lovely. i think its not too bad.

i just found one of those snap-wrist bands on the desk next to me. im not sure where its been or where it came from {or are those the same thing?}... its so much fun, so retro. you know those things you could straighten out and then snap them and they would close around your wrist? reminds me of middle school. i think i had a pink one back then covered in some kind of fabric... some tight woven synthetic stuff that wasnt really real. and it got dirty and turned tinted brown and got slick and shiny with people oils that come out of your hands and etc. you know the stuff. this one is red and plastic and apparently made by adidas. ok. good to know. and the edges are that pressed and cut plastic. where the plastic is sealed and then the excess is cut off but it leaves this little jagged plastic edge behind. that has always pissed me off. its never worth thinking about much. except when it hurts your fingers or drags on your shirt. one of the things that discolors my life because i get this hot angry helpless sad feeling when i think about it. theres still nothing i can do about all my history with plastic edges and all the pain thats caused. damn those fake plastic armbands.

i should not be worrying about this. now wait, when i say that i know what i should or should not be doing. the only times i figure out for myself whats the best for me are when im writing here or praying to god. either way i know what i need and want and am able to articulate it in such a way that suits me. my nightly monologues to god are some of the best moments in my life. still its just something i make myself do before i go to sleep. simply because ive always done it and dont want to break the streak. should i really be treating god that way? maybe not. i just dont care enough to really consider it. religion is such a natural part of my life that im really used to it by now. its always been there in the background but not ever really present. i cant feel religion right now. or god. seems like ive never felt any concrete proof of the existance of any omnipotent god or christ or whatever. but i believe it... i think. at least ive never thought about it enough to disprove myself. maybe i consider that dangerous. if i somehow convince myself not to believe and there really is a jesus christ he might get pissed off. i dont want to risk that so i might as well believe that hes real. i mean if i really didnt believe in the reality of a savior and god {although i like saying saviour more} i wouldnt be scared of not believing right? i hear commercials on the radio saying that god wont prove his existance to me and i am just supposed to believe. the whole principle of faith. and that i should be wholly consumed and made content with jesus. obsessed with jesus. why is that? so i am put on this earth to find all my joy in inarticulate, invisible, immaculate jesus? now how is that possible... stands to reason that since i am a sinner {thanks for that label god} i should be consumed with earth things. maybe i should covet and love other people and enjoy toys and even blaspheme {another fun word} sometimes and it will all be ok. the only radio commercial thats ever made me feel good at all - most are depressing or forboding - is the one that is curious why people wont accept pardons from the presidents for their sins. like they stay in jail. well of course that means that no matter what jesus or god or whichever will forgive me someday for all this shit i am writing now... but how can i ever really be sure of anything? plenty of thanks to the wake forest isp radio network for picking a baptist station to broadcast off of. thanks guys... thanks a lot.

ah late night ambient mix. its wonderful. still nobody talking to me. but thats ok. ive grown into writing tonight. as long as i can keep spilling words out to the screen everything will be alright. no woman no cry right? someone speak to me. leeeegaliiiize itttt... more marley there. for you. just so you know. its all for you. bah fuck ive been writing for half an hour. isnt there something else to do? i am just rambling now. and i noticed a long time ago that most nights all i want to do is write in the socriatic method. i ask a lot of questions, i know. dont answer many either. doesnt seem to bother all you though, you are still reading. dorks. every single one of you. snl is a rerun tonight but i would rather be watching that than reading this. i am insulting you. jesus, you all suck. ah fuckit.

the ambient mix is only half done. sigh... what to do with the night. i wont back down from my self-proclaimed maverickness and resort to contacting other people for conversation. ive set a standard in my head and for some reason think that i have to follow it. stupid isnt it? i might just be prideful though except its all in my head. definitely a possibility. always striving for that extra little self-esteem lurking in the background. for stupid reasons. a lot of things in my life are done for stupid reasons. desperation for drama. yeah you know what i mean. she does. the banner on my cell phone reads 'stupidreason'. thats how serious i am. i mean i wasnt supposed to be serious tonight. ah well... fuckit. i think i heard that in a song once... stupid reasons. yes, i did. ok, glad i cleared that up with me. it was so worth it.

i wish there were stars out tonight. i cant even see them. the glow of this stupid monitor is just enough light pollution to drown out most everything i can peripherally see except the television in the next room and the two little green led lights on the fronts of the fucking fucked speakers to my left and right. its gotten so bad i have to jiggle around a headphone jack in the... jack of one of them to get them to work. beat on it. terrible. and its odd too that the one little soundboard touch of this song, behind the singing and a bit over the looped bassline, really sounds like gorillaz to me. i miss them. maybe i should bring them back to me.

ah a light just came on outside... what would that mean? it means something moved in its little radaric path. my dog barked. so this means theres something in the woods, my dog is paranoid, or theres someone on my deck about to shoot me. i like the third guess. ive always been a little paranoid at night. someones always out to get me. im not sure why... i never hurt anyone. i mean i killed that snake a while back but i wasnt aware he had any family. family set on revenge... like in the old days. ah the old days. so much is referenced to the old days. cause so much is going on these days. people miss the old days. i know i do. my old days. cause my old days were your old days. hopefully. do you miss the old days too? were they my old days... or just old days. meh, i can only hope.

i cant seem to find a good enough place to drop off tonight. maybe with a quote... but theres none to be found. just this. wow, this is terrible. i apologize.

nite