blood on my hands. not metaphorically this time but beautifully true. my purple fingerpolish blood. it is amazing if you really see it. blood is such an opaque color... so deep. you can see into it for miles. i will have a car someday... that color... a true blood red and it would be so beautiful. just beyond comprehension. i can see three or four coats of varying color for depth and tone wet sanded in between with three or four coats of clear on top. wet and dry sanded of course. so deep and i can almost believe that people will recognize it. they wont know what to believe to see it, what to feel other than be repulsed for some unknown reason, magically, by this beautiful deep frightening ghastly evil color. and so organic. so it grows in you and finds a way out. i can rip a small piece of skin off my finger... pick it and pick it until it goes and see a small, tiny, red dot appear but if you squeeze it that red dot will burst forth tearing a new hole for itself and filling up the fingernail. doesnt even hurt... just bloody wetness. and you can see the light glisten off of it - in a church of all places - and it dries to a matt black... or purple. and now after hours it is a mosaic. a relic of time, something unearthed. partly flaked off but still angularly caked on. darker around the edges of the nail. in the dark like a single gothic painted finger.

but forgive my apparent morbidity. dont mistake me for anything im not. i dont have a perversion to the sight of blood or some masochistic need to try and feel death. but i can see the beauty in things people might find revolting. i know plenty of people who cant take the sight of blood. much less see how the light glistens off it (like a rose colored onyx... maybe that is beautiful to you like it is to me...) or wonder why it is watery on your finger or smells so sickeningly of iron when you rub it into stickiness. why be turned off by all this? it is life. it is the essence of all that we are and will ever be. sacks of blood. maybe not a pretty picture but certainly more accurate than how we prefer ourselves (dry... well most people anyway). try and be on track with me here, appreciate the things other people wont. you will see more of life that way. dont tell me youve never seen death before or life leaving... but what did you feel and why? and above all try and see it and feel it and find the answers for yourself and dont automatically be a social stoic in the face of the unusual.

in that little black space there between the last line and this one i played guitar. i love what a calming effect this all has on me. how beautiful the music is some nights and how i dont even have to try at all. how it wont even rub the crusted blood off my left finger or even hurt

i didnt like that paragraph so i erased the rest of it. it never happened.

im coming to a conclusion tonight. not a concrete one, just an idea for the night. i dont know whether i want or even need a relationship right now. seems like there is a void in my life but im pretty sure that is imaginary. a real relationship is all ive ever wanted but never had. it would be good for me, give me a chance to grow and mature and learn what love is about and how to deal with it and all that shit that comes along. i can look forward to that but the most likely thing to happen now would be a shitful high school relationship with no real meaning. maybe it would fill an imaginary void but not a real one. either way i would have to say goodbye to go to school in the fall. that would suck. cant say ive ever been the one to accept something so flawed from conception to take the place of something so perfect. so would it be better for me to hold off and just try and keep to myself until college? that seems almost odd because i keep getting these notions of attention from other people and i dont know how to deal with that. never have... maybe never will. i cant imagine the damage im doing to myself by writing all this down but hey, fuckit. scares me a little bit and makes me want more than anything to be able to say, ah, its fine i dont have to deal with it i am in a relationship... even if its so estranged and crazily odd as it can be at least i have an excuse. some escape. hell, thats not the case though. so what, see what developes. god it would be a fucking nightmare to deal with me. just be kind please.