When I see a leaf fall, I always say goodbye

there isnt a way to say what im thinking the way i want it to come out. this is very difficult. the words that flow need to be in the mood, elicit the sort of feelings and edge or softness from yall that i need them to but it just isnt working. a long time ago i realized that important moments happen all the time and that i should remember them. so ive gotten in the habit of making little mental notes of things at important times in my life. all to often though, these are goodbyes. i wish it werent like that but i can still feel and see and smell... everything. i can still feel you that night on a little side street in raleigh years ago... or out behind lillys... or walking out of that restaurant downtown. all these goodbyes i took in all too much because i can still feel the pain now. i am so damn used to it though that it doesnt bother me. but its strange to reflect. i can close my eyes and still have you here in front of me again. i dont even know why i do...

i ruined a beautiful song tonight. its something i do - oh - all the time. i even thought about it this time. if i learn to play this song it will kill it for me. it hasnt even been with me but a couple nights. why do that? because it haunts me thats why. but now i know what everytime i hear it i will be visualizing the chords in my head and perfecting it when it really isnt supposed to be that way at all. the artist does it though. any maybe now i can haunt my friends with it. but is it really worth it? i dont know. what i liked better was stealing a couple chords from a different artist and stringing three of them together in a little pattern and playing that. it felt like a warmup but it could have been a song, i suppose. just needs some lyrics. its so simple though, like a small child that needs to grow but cant because i wont let it. oh well, i can appreciate it for what it is anyway. maybe later it will be something more but for now ill shove it in a closet and wait for it to present itself.

its starting to bother me that i only write about serious things these days. whatever happened to finding the beauty in life? yeah im not sure either. nothing seems beautiful these days. ive always appreciated storms but not so much when all there is to say about it is that i managed to make it to the jeep today before anyone else and missed getting wet. sometimes things just arent as beautiful as they used to be. maybe its just the place im at. if i were happier and - essentially - go luckier... maybe things would be different.

I'm just a happy kid
Stuck with the heart of a sad punk
Drowning in my id
Always searching like it's on junk
No matter who I hang out with
I can hear the clack-clunk
Of the chains that pull the cars up
The roller coaster mountaintop so high
When it comes down it shoots back up
Straight back to the sky

so fucking hell, that about sums it up. i didn’t write that but it came to mind. if you remember a while back i wrote about a song u was listening to that i hadnt heard in forever and how it was so strange to hear it again. well… im listening to it again. and its still good. yay. other than that i guess nothing

ok pause here... blogger is being a real bitch and fucking up my night. i dont care for your fucking formatting or words auto formatting shit and i just want my post to continue tying and fit on the fucking page and not have to worry about writing lines that are six fucking feet long because it always will reset to a new line when i reach the end of the box. jesus fucking christ.

i dont even feel like writing anymore. this night is a failure.


{new template... im happy again :) }