dissipation. it is... amazing to me when under certain situations. it happens. division's on the line not to be lost but to be clinched... thirteen straight. this could be big. marlins lost, fans stayed to see if estrada can pull a 3-2 score two out two on (first and second) into a division clinch. and so it builds. the anticipation, the excitement, the emotion... in the park. fouled some back, swung at some balls... but finally connects. now theres nothing special about the pop to the secondbaseman except that he called the first off at the last second - no big drama - but that the tiny potential bomb of energy that had built up in that stadium in atlanta suddenly... dissipated. there was no excitement... no good vibes or terribly bad emotion. just an anticlimax. just people breathing out and in again and in that way continuing on looking not at this one single unvictory - the not clinch, infact the tie clincher - maybe looking ahead, maybe to home, or just leaving the park itself. but not the game. the talk of a division tonight dispelled and utterly dissipated in the single instant the fans with the best vision caught sight of the ball in its arc and heard the crack of the bat and worked hard in their little minds without knowing it just to feel that the ball was going nowhere. and they knew then that when it came down it wasnt going to be tonight. and that wasnt catastrophic. nobody committed suicide over the non-division night but instead went home and watched the replays on sportscenter. all the anxiety dissipated just like that. hearts beating to the rhythm of imitated brave drums slowed and the chanting stopped. it simply wasnt tonight. maybe tomorrow night. maybe the night after that. but not here, not now. that wasnt terrible or particularly likely or unlikely but true and what happened was that the excitement had no where to go and so dissipated into the hot southern night. the red wire cut. and as the lights go off in atlanta nobody will worry because it isnt such a big deal, not such a bad thing, doesnt really matter in the long run. but for tonight, for people everywhere - dissipation.

and what really blows my mind. theres a game i play with myself every now and then. it has nothing to do with rubbing fingers together, although i enjoy that one too. music is very important to me. its always with me, will always be with me, i carry it around in the background. i cant speak for everyone but personally i always have a song in my head. this is to say, i cannot remember a time in my insignificant personal history that i havent had a song in my head. so theres a game i play with my mind. take that song and turn the volume up. really crank it up. louder and louder and louder and louder still until you cant hear anything except that song... except there is still real life happening and you are still hearing things just not comprehending anything except that one song which is so loud in your head that you can feel the distortion building because your little wired mind cant handle the power it is mimicing. so you feel the drive and build and distortion and it gives out so turn it down. down, down, lower and lower. this is much more difficult. lower and lower and lower until its a whisper but its all you can hear - all you can focus on in the entirety of the real world. this one tiny imaginary whisp of a melody in the background, in the white dark void of your head and you can see it getting smaller and smaller until :pop: theres nothing left. turn the music in your head off. the :pop: helps me because it gives something to displace the musical notion. now turn it back on and let it build more and more and grow from a whisper to a scream and a hammer and a bomb in your head and feel it again and pulse it and turn it off. and back on... control it. this isnt easy... but it blows my mind. it isnt something you can just wrap your mind around. you must stretch it and warp it and bellow inside to work this piece of music into a controllable substance. bend and sway and squint and groan and all sorts of things to build and build and crank until the sound is too much to handle. and then - so delicately - back down and :pop:. so in class... and i do this. when i writhe a bit and bop a bit and make a face to myself and no one else and you catch that little act. know what its about. its me blowing my mind.