this is not a happy post. i wish i could come here with more emotional stability but hell, at least im here. i know i havent written in five days but... well i was gone and i have so much to say about that but now, after time, i really dont want to write it all down. and i have so much on my mind... with people and things to do and even trivial things. somehow it all matters so damn much. i dont want to worry about an 'encore' when there shouldnt have been an intermission. things just didnt work out that way. i dont want to worry about making friends again because you shouldnt have drifted away from me to begin with. and now its so hard to talk to you... it never was before. the only kid ive ever really been able to open up to wont even look me in the eyes. and its partially my fault. i dont want to think of it that way though... and i dont want to feel alone because ive got no damn right to be.

i could write a couple thousand words on this past weekend but i wont. i just dont have the drive, the excitement needed to fuel a post like that. i wont describe in detail how riding to the mountains in the backseat of a saturn with two other guys was comfortable after a while... how i prefered that by the end of the weekend. after a while some people click. even if its four teenage guys and one's mother. i could complain about staying an hour and a half away from the rafting place - even though the koa kicked ass - ping pong tournaments - merry go rounds - or relay how wonderful and painful that one 89c. french vanilla coffee was that misty saturday morning. how it scalded my tongue and heated me inside my hoodie and even without that crazy debut music made that backseat more memorable than before. i had a reisen.

how rafting was one of the scariest and most memorable experiences in my short life. how our guide was a fellow eagle scout. how our first class four was a quarter mile long and the huskiest man in the boat - 350 - got knocked out by a rock that moved during a flood a week earlier. how he could have died. how other people would have. the guide screaming get to the man we must get him in the boat and him floating ahead and going over rapids and screaming for help and the inflection of his voice - ah. how our guy had him up front but couldnt pull him over because his legs were being sucked under and we were about to crash into a rock and go over a falls and he had to let him go. let him go. how can you do that to a man? how can you let him go and slide under the boat and go over the rapids and stand up and look and he isnt anywhere. seconds counting, realizations forming - i have just seen a man die - until he pops up and the guide, just a junior, pulls him in with his paddle and i drop mine and scramble to the back and grab him by the jacket and helmet and again by the jacket and helmet and finally by the bottom of the jacket and pull with gods help and he slides to the bottom of the raft sucking water and not speaking but after a second says he is alright. and his reconstructed knee is fine. and they hand us the paddle - broken - and i reach over to the right with both arms and back over my head to the left and my left shoulder dislocates...

but its fine because it imperceptibly relocated as quick as it happened. and we surfed and i got knocked out and almost and temporarily got sucked under water and couldnt come up because i was under the boat and couldnt breathe but it was all mercy and adrenaline and i wasnt afraid because i had my eyes closed. and i come shooting out and float away and give a thumbs up and go to the side and run back in to pull our quarter mile swimmer out of the river because he was too tired to make it to shore.

it was all ok though, i had a reisen.

and... the entire time i wanted a guitar because i didnt have one. and now that ive had one and exploited it for a while its back in its case. on its stand. and these ends are still untied i never burned bridges and im glad of that. i would never make it then. but now life is so cryptic and i dont understand. i dont know where you are coming from, where you are, why you arent here. or why you care... or why other people dont anymore. how can you hang on other peoples shoulders for so long when its me that cares. so much for being me.

i wrote a song today. i was happy about that for a while but now i dont even understand it anymore. it is cryptic too. im not entirely sure it has a point. the point is, i havent written a decent song in a long time. in forever. if i can put this to music it would be a strange but fitting beginning for me. a beginning for nowhere. this is the original unedited version. the parenthetical lines are ones i edited in over the preceding ones. its called

"four seasons"

lost air in a sea of cares
i am the ice in your iced tea (it seems to me youd share this stare)
if a bone to a dog is a home to a frog (crash on your floor and wonder where)
ill be...
your lampshade

squirrels wont go but as they please
crawl with me in the middle of the street
wake from a dream of a (wreck in a) speeding jeep
thats me...
your dreamer (dreamchild)

- refrain -
so take me as you may
ill take this holiday
from reason
and ill be home to stay
and send you on your way
four-seasons

drowned down south where the summers hot
swimmin in the river though mean it, I DID NOT
if i felt your breath on a sharp old rock
id be...
your faithful (lover)

- refrain -

dont think blinds dont let me see
mad differences between you and me
lover and a dreamer against sanity
ill be... not me

- refain to end -