i am sick and not appreciating it. it is fun, though, when you think about it. there is some odd connection lost between my mind and my body. some strange short delay between thinking and acting on those thoughts. i feel rubbery... the entire myself isnt quite flesh anymore. if i sit still my mouth hangs open a bit and i can just stare at the wall and be content with not doing anything. if i stands up at least my nose unclogs a bit but i keep almost falling over. i cant really feel much. numbness... like im cold but im not. im hot and even though im hardly wearing anything i feel like sweating... even though im not. its a paradox. it is cool though, that im coughing so much my abs are getting a workout even though i feel too shitty to actually work them out. so i can appreciate that. and the fact that when i walk around and try to stop my feet stop before my head so i always lean a bit forward and feel like im falling. do you know how good it feels to plop down on the couch and let my muscles relax for a minute? its not as if they have done anything today but - ah - its so good. a little opiate for myself. just me. all alone. i cant even do anything... sunday afternoons arent for doing anything.

i found my soulmate on tv today. i pray every night for someone that could be my best friend that i could spend the rest of my life with and enjoy and love forever... aww cuddly. ever seen dogma? yeah, god's my soulmate. i know it. some man is praying to her on tv. go nascar.

so dogma put me in a strange mood too. theres not much to entertain you lying on the couch all day but a kitten. she likes to climb on things but we dont like that much. i glanced over from my magazine and the bloody movie and saw her sitting on {she is licking my toes} {mental kids are singing the national anthem} an ottoman across the room. all happy life and like and etc. so i look at her all complacently, which is me, one of the original {____} dogs at heart i silently grab the little {____} off the table next to me and say 'hello kitten' so she looks at me. and i pull the trigger once... twice... {she is licking my heel} three times. blew her away. so she jumps down and i put the water bottle back on the table happy cause i had just blown away a kitten and sad because i was still laying on the couch and developing bedsores. cough -a h - cough.

but such is my life. i dont think ive overdosed on those pills yet so im going to go take some more... just to see what happens. and walk around the house some more. cause its just so damn much fun.