no room

walking back from bio lab in the haze and im thinking about writing it all down. i do it all the time. i feel censored these days. i dont like that... i want to say what i want to say about who i want. i dont feel like i can do that anymore, people read this. not only people i am securely good friends with but people im not. and believe me, i know who reads this. but i cant.

anyway, the most important things have nothing to do with anybody here. in fact, mostly with girls in charleston. i am so far numb to all this it doesnt even matter. i mean, what is there to discuss?

i remember a long time ago i was driving home from school in downtown raleigh and, while at a stoplight, a guy walked past. he had longish hair, a white t-shirt, worn in blue jeans, and either sandals or new balances... i cant remember. he was smoking a cigarette. sometimes thats exactly who i want to be. some guy in comfortable old clothes, smoking, walking down the street in the middle of the city on a beautiful afternoon. the cigarette shouldnt be mandatory, i know damn well how stupid it would be for me to smoke. it just fits the character really well. maybe an unlit one, like sam farha. this seems like it would conflict with my other futures, like being an anesthesiologist (although i guess i could still have old clothes and walk in the city) and the driving cap wearing, cigar smoking, xk-ss driving sports car enthusiast in the mountains. what about hanging out in the rainforest or in the sahara with doctors without borders? i see myself so many places doing so many things...

if you think too much you hit a wall. like felder's ex days back at charter. would i want to be a doctor to help people or just because, well, it would look good. so many philosopical dillemas... theres not even enough time.

i dont even know what im talking about anymore. i am not talking about people i know... much. know what? i have work to do.