i love
it's cold. i'm awake only because ray is on conan and i had a song stuck in my head already and i never can forgive myself for missing stuff like that. the last time this happened, i ended up staying up for hours even though i was exhausted just thinking and writing in my head. it scares me that i enjoy this short story class i'm taking because it's such a contrast to all this pre-med shit. there's no future as a writer, even i know that. but i lay in bed and compose. i write music sometimes. two nights ago i had a tiny piece of a song stuck in my head so at 2am i got out of bed, pulled out my guitar, and figured it out. i can't let these things go. being creative... i don't know, i want to leave something behind. i don't know what it is yet but i want to. a book or a story or a song or something.
the television is muted and the shadows play across the walls. the sounds of my fingers on the keys blend in to the most wonderful thing i can imagine hearing. even the refridgerator quits whining for a while. i watched a music video earlier today and was heartbroken. not even because she is real... because she isn't. not to me. just another minor celebrity. i've done this to myself before, to lesser extents. but it's just so damn beautiful. so shocking to think that maybe, just maybe, i can define for once who i really want to fall in love with me as someone half concrete. or just whatever i can read into that little bit of film. it was perfect. and it was strange to think that the song and dance might give me the same feeling as what very few real people ever have. but i can relate it to real life. i couldn't take my eyes off it, couldn't believe it, wanted to laugh and cry and hold it in my hands. the same way i felt watching a kid dance once or twice.
i even dream about writing. i dream about the people i love. last night i was at some club trying to scribble words for some assignment on a very large piece of squared paper with an egg carton-like feel to it. i kept rewriting the same statement. "he studied as they schemed." or something like that. i kept dreaming squared of this white guy with slick back hair looking at a running green-painted engine in an old green chevy car in the middle of the desert. the engine had the feel of something from the military and had a peeling shiny red sticker that said "409." and i, the man, was supposed to steal it. there was another guy two, who figured i knew what i was doing. but it was my job to study and know how, it was their job to scheme and figure out how to do shit right. and i was writing on the egg carton something about how we needed to commit crimes like white people, not black people. we needed to plan, to figure, so everything went right, so it was easy, so we never got caught, so nobody got hurt. and it was that simple. in the dream, the contrast between planning and studying and going in with a gun and a mask and shooting people. i know it sounds terrible but that's how it was in the dream. i'm not going to pretend otherwise.
and i know i love. i know i do. it's just nobody here. it's somebody. i don't exactly know what to do about it. but when i talk about it to people i can see the contrast. the people i try not to hide from here, it's different. i can finally see those contrasts and it doesn't lend itself to making my life any easier. because i can say, definitevely that i love someone with all my heart. metaphorically speaking, because i love others too, i just love... fairly unconditionally. and i get caught up in doing the right thing and saying the right words and all but i think i'm doing ok. i haven't let go and i won't. nor will i make things difficult. i live to be the best friend i can be. to be a blessing...
just live for my dreams
the television is muted and the shadows play across the walls. the sounds of my fingers on the keys blend in to the most wonderful thing i can imagine hearing. even the refridgerator quits whining for a while. i watched a music video earlier today and was heartbroken. not even because she is real... because she isn't. not to me. just another minor celebrity. i've done this to myself before, to lesser extents. but it's just so damn beautiful. so shocking to think that maybe, just maybe, i can define for once who i really want to fall in love with me as someone half concrete. or just whatever i can read into that little bit of film. it was perfect. and it was strange to think that the song and dance might give me the same feeling as what very few real people ever have. but i can relate it to real life. i couldn't take my eyes off it, couldn't believe it, wanted to laugh and cry and hold it in my hands. the same way i felt watching a kid dance once or twice.
i even dream about writing. i dream about the people i love. last night i was at some club trying to scribble words for some assignment on a very large piece of squared paper with an egg carton-like feel to it. i kept rewriting the same statement. "he studied as they schemed." or something like that. i kept dreaming squared of this white guy with slick back hair looking at a running green-painted engine in an old green chevy car in the middle of the desert. the engine had the feel of something from the military and had a peeling shiny red sticker that said "409." and i, the man, was supposed to steal it. there was another guy two, who figured i knew what i was doing. but it was my job to study and know how, it was their job to scheme and figure out how to do shit right. and i was writing on the egg carton something about how we needed to commit crimes like white people, not black people. we needed to plan, to figure, so everything went right, so it was easy, so we never got caught, so nobody got hurt. and it was that simple. in the dream, the contrast between planning and studying and going in with a gun and a mask and shooting people. i know it sounds terrible but that's how it was in the dream. i'm not going to pretend otherwise.
and i know i love. i know i do. it's just nobody here. it's somebody. i don't exactly know what to do about it. but when i talk about it to people i can see the contrast. the people i try not to hide from here, it's different. i can finally see those contrasts and it doesn't lend itself to making my life any easier. because i can say, definitevely that i love someone with all my heart. metaphorically speaking, because i love others too, i just love... fairly unconditionally. and i get caught up in doing the right thing and saying the right words and all but i think i'm doing ok. i haven't let go and i won't. nor will i make things difficult. i live to be the best friend i can be. to be a blessing...
just live for my dreams
posted by sunshine at 12:57 AM
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