only to find...
crazy. it's all crazy to me. people, everything with people is important. what's more important than people? relations, drama, whatever the fuck. makes me laugh and feel sick and want to look and want do die. whatever doesn't kill you only makes you wish it did.
watching letterman dubbed to the tune of old guster albums. it's even better that way. a couple mornings ago - well, late morning - i was sitting at the bar in the kitchen as the sunlight and implied humidity streamed in through the windows, eating a light breakfast, listening to the price is right, and reading some odd car magazine. i can look back almost with a smile at how it stopped me midsentence. right in the middle of the page, "dubs". i sat up straight, looked at it again. i read the rest of the page, the next page and found it again. stared at that single word while i turned the page, until it was replaced by the thin waxiness of the next page. not even a flick of the wrist away, but gone. it's a curiosity to me still. in the same way that i always knew that naming my car 'kristina' would mean something... at least... i just don't know quite what it means yet...
i guess it doesn't really matter right now. i was an asshole, i am ok with that, and until i carelessly broke radio silence with a phone call i didn't even speak during, it seems like the letter was enough obnoxiousness. that was a strange time. that one trip to hallmark, i bought two letters. one i marked up to get a reaction, was terse with language, and was generally frustrating - on purpose of course. and, i guess, taking the easier path, i took credit for the problems and whatnot. i mean, it's better not to criticize, right? the other letter, i picked out just because i like it. felt like it shared a theme. and that one i did not mark up, i was terse but in a cute way and i sent that one to the unsuspecting kid just to brighten her day. and it worked.
i took a shower during a thunderstorm today. i even opened the window next to the shower so i could hear the thunder. it was nice. i wasn't scared, really. i will never die, i can't. i was begging the lightning bolt to come streaming in through the open window and smite me. waiting for the giant bright blast to the tree next to the house and to see if i could jump out of the shower quick enough to avoid the water spraying forth to electrocute me. i was ok with it, though. i can't conceive of an end to consciousness. whenever i think about it, i think. and because i'm thinking i can't understand it. i've drunk enough not to remember entire nights. i go to sleep every night, but i can't comprehend the line i cross when i stop thinking because i always start again. which is to say, i can't silence the voice in my head and i can't believe anything that can. after that, the globe on one of our ceiling lights downstairs decided to let go and fall ten feet to the unforgiving grey concrete below. thank god our cat wasn't sleeping under it like she does every night. i picked up all the glass shards by unprotected hand, just for fun. summertime brings out the desperate side of me.
watching letterman dubbed to the tune of old guster albums. it's even better that way. a couple mornings ago - well, late morning - i was sitting at the bar in the kitchen as the sunlight and implied humidity streamed in through the windows, eating a light breakfast, listening to the price is right, and reading some odd car magazine. i can look back almost with a smile at how it stopped me midsentence. right in the middle of the page, "dubs". i sat up straight, looked at it again. i read the rest of the page, the next page and found it again. stared at that single word while i turned the page, until it was replaced by the thin waxiness of the next page. not even a flick of the wrist away, but gone. it's a curiosity to me still. in the same way that i always knew that naming my car 'kristina' would mean something... at least... i just don't know quite what it means yet...
i guess it doesn't really matter right now. i was an asshole, i am ok with that, and until i carelessly broke radio silence with a phone call i didn't even speak during, it seems like the letter was enough obnoxiousness. that was a strange time. that one trip to hallmark, i bought two letters. one i marked up to get a reaction, was terse with language, and was generally frustrating - on purpose of course. and, i guess, taking the easier path, i took credit for the problems and whatnot. i mean, it's better not to criticize, right? the other letter, i picked out just because i like it. felt like it shared a theme. and that one i did not mark up, i was terse but in a cute way and i sent that one to the unsuspecting kid just to brighten her day. and it worked.
i took a shower during a thunderstorm today. i even opened the window next to the shower so i could hear the thunder. it was nice. i wasn't scared, really. i will never die, i can't. i was begging the lightning bolt to come streaming in through the open window and smite me. waiting for the giant bright blast to the tree next to the house and to see if i could jump out of the shower quick enough to avoid the water spraying forth to electrocute me. i was ok with it, though. i can't conceive of an end to consciousness. whenever i think about it, i think. and because i'm thinking i can't understand it. i've drunk enough not to remember entire nights. i go to sleep every night, but i can't comprehend the line i cross when i stop thinking because i always start again. which is to say, i can't silence the voice in my head and i can't believe anything that can. after that, the globe on one of our ceiling lights downstairs decided to let go and fall ten feet to the unforgiving grey concrete below. thank god our cat wasn't sleeping under it like she does every night. i picked up all the glass shards by unprotected hand, just for fun. summertime brings out the desperate side of me.
posted by sunshine at 11:55 PM
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