goddamn

words seep into my head. sometimes 'fuck' just doesnt do it. sometimes its got to be "shut the fuck up, im trying to watch the goddamn movie"... but it never comes out. its not something i say, just something i think. i used to not sing the real lyrics of third eye blind's 'losing a whole year' because of it. once i was playing around after scouts and kicked something by accident... i think i muttered it and felt so terrible that i prayed for a long time. its one of those things, to me, that you feel like if you dont say something right you will go right on down to hell. but its gotten to the point where 'fuck' is so sanitary, so worn out, it doesnt mean the same. so close your goddamn mouth and watch the movie.

professor was talking a couple days ago in seminar about the death penalty. until recently, you could still request a firing squad in utah. a couple people apparently did. i think it would be fun. you have the electric chair... no. lethal injection... what with all the egg and cyanide. it sounds painful even though they say it isnt. but a firing squad... thats fun. stylish. i think i would want to watch. i was thinking that, right then, i wouldnt mind standing in front of the squad. just to know what it felt like, to get shot by ten or so men. and i would want to watch. its not that i am depressed or suicidal... its just... who doesnt want to know?