im yours

after such a weekend and such a day, its difficult to get the right words out. that i just wrote a paper is immaterial, those words werent nearly mine, just the ones i knew i needed to use. this weekend was amazing, full of road tripping, rain, stars, surf, piers, pictures, taboo, outbacks, swerving - all enveloped in a mist of vodka and jim beam.

eighth floor of the library. everytime i lean back on a shelf and look up the books move to the right and i fall backwards over and over.

there are so many stories to tell and no time to do it.

i wonder how i am nobody's anymore. ive always wanted to be somebody's and for the longest time it felt that way, one way or another. but now im not, in the clearest way. ive taken one relationship from in love to just friends to fuck you and the other one, well, last i heard she hasnt made up her mind yet. dont hold out hope though, i never learn and history repeats itself. there is/will be another guy and it still wont be me. sometimes this is all ok, though, and i think of myself looking into the future with a new group of friends and the old ones fade a bit. the same old shit and same old lonliness fades a bit. i dont know if i can possibly be better off than i was there for a while or if i already am and just dont know it yet. i guess we will see.

i promised myself four years ago that i would at least try and be friends when you left. the fact that we did amazes me. i remember thinking that if we were together or not, there was no way i could live without you. im not sure about anything anymore.