what i want now

i spent the afternoon with my family at the nc state fair. the one thing about the fair i always notice are the people that turn out. sometimes i just stand and watch them all, shuffling past. ill lose my family in the crowd because i turned around to see someone again, someone i missed. you get all types at the fair. everyone shows because its once a year, its the fair, there are always people there worse off than you. there are always a couple retarded kids with people leading them around, people in wheelchairs, some that look like they have been carnies for years and never quite quit. some rundown ugly couples that smoke and are missing teeth that, it has always felt like to me, married just because they werent going to get anyone better. there are the rednecks, of course, as most of the artists playing the dorton arena are country, and as to be expected in a town like this. there are groups of three or four gangly outcast boys that band together and look wierd because they can and dont give a shit about it, just run about together. there are groups of blacks and asians callin each other 'nigga' and hustling through the crowds in lines. there are couples everywhere, some of which i cannot believe. seems like all the seemingly attractive women were either hanging on the arms of some country boy (or someone else, i could stereotype about everyone there if i wanted to) or with a group of giggling girls. people dont care if they want to smoke, its not like anyone will stop them unless they are in the rabbit building. adds to the smell, really.

but, as i was spending time with my family and not my friends, i got to hang around the buildings a lot more and evade the dirty midway. this is fine with me, fits my personality more i guess. gave all the more opportunity to watch what people i can only assume were less high schoolish - the ones that looked at the community art awards or had a purpose... surprisingly enough, i think the most attractive girls there worked in the cow building. those are some quality looking folk in there, working the farms, showing their cows. feels like there is some depth to a girl who would walk a cow - my favorite animal - around in a circle for a crowd and go put it back away in its stall. and i treasure depth. that was the first building we entered, the livestock building, and as we were walking around it started; slowly but always bouncing off the walls and halls of my skull... and its been at it for eight hours:

what I used to be will pass away and then you'll see
that all I want now is happiness for you and me

that same elliott smith song has been looping the entire time, louder and softer, in the background but always there. just sweet enough not to get sad but just relevant enough to my constant nature to remind me how alone i am. see, those two lines are all i want. the 'you' just doesnt exist. i wouldnt continue writing about this abused subject except that it means so damn much to me. if it were just 'happiness for me'... that would be easy. that would be selfish. the fact is, its the 'you' that makes the 'me' happy. it isnt something i can work on, just deal with. music makes me happy. what can i do about that? i can practice, i can learn, i can buy new guitars and become wonderful and be happy. but that can only go so far, you know? to some extent, i am always hoping that the music will bring the 'you'. or anything else i do. maybe the writing will, maybe its something i dont know yet.

and maybe im just stuck. i cant let go of these few that i have so vehemently attached to but i cant really find anyone to leave for. i see these girls walk past in the seas of humanity and i turn around to look and they look so happy and i turn back and have to find my family all over again but i see someone else. over and over. the girls in the art exhibits. one is in a picture drawn of a girl with her face pressed to a window of a train. another made out of scrap pieces of paper, quickly turning her head to look back at something offscreen. i want them. i want to get to know them. there are some people you see that you just need to know, need to speak to, need to fall for all over again. but they are stuck under glass or on someone else's shoulder. i get the feeling that there are so many people at school i have yet to meet. i love the ones i know but there are so many i havent even spoken to. i used to think back in highschool that i would meet my 'you' in college simply because there are so many people there. i really dont know how it will happen anymore. i dont even know if i could or should run back to those others i have known for so long, even if one of them realized what they were missing. i dont get the feeling anyone ever will.