remaining memories

its no fun, riding around in the backseat with your eyes closed, trying to drink gatorade and not throw up (any more). what i mean is that it was wonderful, the things that happened, simply not from behind my eyes. its no fun, leaning on wipp's shoulder, seeing nothing but the stars on the back of my eyelids, hearing every note of a country song, and not falling asleep. just to escape the sickness. but its strange, wanting to skip the life uncomfortable, and still loving the life i have. and it slowly, slowly, damned slowly goes... away...

i havent seriously appreciated life in a long time. theres always something there, marring the landscape. always a bug nest in my redwood tree. lonliness or school, the people i live with, its always something. for the first time in a long time i feel one-hundred-percent. i would really like to keep it that way. i want to eat real food and not think about it, go to the gym and accomplish something because of it. stop joking about suicide and the best way to die. stop pretending.

theres a lot i remember that i wish i didnt. theres a lot i dont remember that i wish i did. i owe a lot to my friends and i only wish there was something to do. then again, i also wish i never have the opportunity. it seems that for there to be heroes there must be tragedies. maybe i will be one of the everyday sort. i need to do something while i am awake. being a decent human being seems an honourable goal (i like the british spelling better) but, i dont know, i need something more. i will let you know when i figure it out.

i love you all, thank you again.

maybe from now on i will live up to life