the importance of being
aside from the questions of god, of why and why not, of lonliness, of mortality, and of the end of consciousness {which seem to flood my head lately}, there is a tendon in my leg that hurts.
this miniscule slice of life entraps my consciousness because, while i am awake, downstairs at night, under the lights of the television and christmas tree, not much else is real. this little tendon, on the outside of my right leg, near the knee, burns. it tenses, is everpresent. not painful, but there.
and im glad its there. its like a friend, not angry but a reminder that im awake. it contributes to a kind of total masochist lifestyle. at the same time, i lift weights. tightening, tensing, burning. hurt to live. i starve myself regularly. when i get frustrated with the world, with being awake... just stop eating. i can go for a day without eating and not be hungry, not feel sick, just lighter. and it doesnt botherme, just makes it hard to start again. in fact, i think ive dropped back below 140 lbs. again. meh, whatever.
i used to whip my arms with guitar strings i was replacing. it was nothing permanent, would just sting for a second and leave a large red ribbon across and around the bottom of the forearm. just disappear in time. every now and then, when my foot decides to cramp up, i will throw my head back, clench my teeth and smile. just let itself work its troubles out. so what if it feels like my arch is eating itself, its only temporary. and, well, thats not all but its all i feel like talking about.
thats not even touching on the emotional masochism that i seem to adore. i doubt i do, but i probably unconsciously put myself in these situations. maybe i just love to be hurt. ive convinced myself that i really dont but who the hell really knows?
i wrote a fairly pretty song this afternoon. nothing special, just chords and a little stuff. maybe someday i will write some fairly pretty words to go along with it, somehow i doubt it.
at least im still here. seems like people need reminding of that every now and then.
this miniscule slice of life entraps my consciousness because, while i am awake, downstairs at night, under the lights of the television and christmas tree, not much else is real. this little tendon, on the outside of my right leg, near the knee, burns. it tenses, is everpresent. not painful, but there.
and im glad its there. its like a friend, not angry but a reminder that im awake. it contributes to a kind of total masochist lifestyle. at the same time, i lift weights. tightening, tensing, burning. hurt to live. i starve myself regularly. when i get frustrated with the world, with being awake... just stop eating. i can go for a day without eating and not be hungry, not feel sick, just lighter. and it doesnt botherme, just makes it hard to start again. in fact, i think ive dropped back below 140 lbs. again. meh, whatever.
i used to whip my arms with guitar strings i was replacing. it was nothing permanent, would just sting for a second and leave a large red ribbon across and around the bottom of the forearm. just disappear in time. every now and then, when my foot decides to cramp up, i will throw my head back, clench my teeth and smile. just let itself work its troubles out. so what if it feels like my arch is eating itself, its only temporary. and, well, thats not all but its all i feel like talking about.
thats not even touching on the emotional masochism that i seem to adore. i doubt i do, but i probably unconsciously put myself in these situations. maybe i just love to be hurt. ive convinced myself that i really dont but who the hell really knows?
i wrote a fairly pretty song this afternoon. nothing special, just chords and a little stuff. maybe someday i will write some fairly pretty words to go along with it, somehow i doubt it.
at least im still here. seems like people need reminding of that every now and then.
posted by sunshine at 10:14 PM
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