there will be a light
this is not going to be happy
i thought, a couple weeks ago, that i should write about how i was on a roll. how things were wonderful, how i had supreme confidence in myself, that if anyone took the time to get to know me, they would love me for the kind of human being i am. im not too ugly, have wonderful friends, and am, for the most part, included. all this is so much better than ive had before. its encouraging to feel, that even if you dont have anyone, you could. that if people knew the real you, they would find everything to love.
but... it never lasts too long. the tangible things of my life are lovely, blessed even. i go to an amazing school, i dont have any family troubles, we arent poor, nobody is sick, i am at home, its christmastime. im capable, im talented, and there isnt much at all i couldnt do if i tried. and i know damn well how lucky i am to have all this. but what matters to me are the intangibles. getting along with yourself, fucking functioning... and most of all, love. and i cant have any of it.
i usually describe my love life as a greek tragedy. in short, my life was shaped by certain people that i cared dearly for {and for good reason}, and the way these relationships have turned out, the paths they have taken, has taught me more than i knew was there to learn. they have also seemed to fuck my state of being up to no end. i have a supreme ability to care for people, to love. it kills me when the people i am close to {who usually live far away} are hurting or need someone and i cant be there for them. but whomever i get close to will hurt me again and again. since i have known love firsthand, it is hard for me to accept much less. superficial highschool relationships, i have come to learn, are there for a reason. not just to make kids hate each other for no reason, but to teach you how to function with those of the opposite sex. turns out i have no idea how to be in a relationship since those i have known have been so fucking weird.
i dont understand how to have a real girlfriend, only how it feels to understand someone so well, to know someone inside out {or to think you do}, how astounding it is when someone you care about that much actively loves you back. i dont know many people that i can believe have known that. quite seperately, i know how wonderful it is to have someone you can spend time with, you can talk to, you can know like that and more. someone you can sit and not have to talk, someone you can insult without feeling remorse, someone who knows your troubles and treats them as their own. and i dont consider them dates, the things we did, cause it never felt like it. i only want them to be like that, i want to have someone i dont have to go through the motions with because you dont have to, when you are friends like that. thats all a good relationship should be anyway, best friends.
the practical measures elude me. what i want, and it may be too much to ask, is for someone to get to know me and fall in love with me. someone i can feel the same way about. i dont want or need formalities, i want a connection. and maybe thats the problem. these days, i assume i am golden, that if people understood the human being i am that they would find good reason to want me around. its that assumption that keeps me looking up, since you cant be too hard on yourself if you cant fault yourself. things might just be playing out the way they are supposed to. im not that great, not that talented, funny, smart, or lovable. i just dont know it yet. i continue to hold on to those i lost a long time ago, though against my will. i cant help but care and cant help but be burned by it. i cant change things for myself and cant seem to find anyone who is willing to take the lead for me, the emotional gimp that i am.
and if im not all that great then its just a facade. and everything really is just that fucked up. my mental state {i have tics, lots of them}, my emotional state, everything behind my eyes... just functions a little differently than everyone else.
and cant i even have jesus? i listen to the most inspiring music sometimes. and i want to believe it but it is so hard. when will there be a light, really? i havent been to church in months. i dont like for it to feel like a cult. some people love a congregational mentality, like a family. lately, i have been much the opposite. i pray every night. i pray for my family and friends and myself and for someone, eventually, to complete me. i pray that i am as good to everyone else as they are to me, because it would be just as much a crime as anything if i were to find my soulmate but i wasnt theirs. i just dont feel the light. there are people in my home church that sing on stage, that close their eyes as they mouth the syllables. people that open their palms skyward and lean back and take in rays of heavenly sun that only they can see. maybe its just invisible to me. i dont feel it in me. i dont know what people feel when they get like that. i believe in God, i swear i do. i try and be a decent human being and to follow the commandments. i dont read the bible but i know whats in it. i pray for my sins to be absolved and that i dont commit them to begin with. im a good person. but i dont feel it.
i hope i do someday. someday soon. because if i cant have anyone on earth, i at least want someone above. i want something to click inside me and i want to feel the warmth of the love of God in my belly. i want a supreme confidence that everything will be ok because that is what i believe is there for some people. i just dont know why it isnt me.
why isnt it me?
i thought, a couple weeks ago, that i should write about how i was on a roll. how things were wonderful, how i had supreme confidence in myself, that if anyone took the time to get to know me, they would love me for the kind of human being i am. im not too ugly, have wonderful friends, and am, for the most part, included. all this is so much better than ive had before. its encouraging to feel, that even if you dont have anyone, you could. that if people knew the real you, they would find everything to love.
but... it never lasts too long. the tangible things of my life are lovely, blessed even. i go to an amazing school, i dont have any family troubles, we arent poor, nobody is sick, i am at home, its christmastime. im capable, im talented, and there isnt much at all i couldnt do if i tried. and i know damn well how lucky i am to have all this. but what matters to me are the intangibles. getting along with yourself, fucking functioning... and most of all, love. and i cant have any of it.
i usually describe my love life as a greek tragedy. in short, my life was shaped by certain people that i cared dearly for {and for good reason}, and the way these relationships have turned out, the paths they have taken, has taught me more than i knew was there to learn. they have also seemed to fuck my state of being up to no end. i have a supreme ability to care for people, to love. it kills me when the people i am close to {who usually live far away} are hurting or need someone and i cant be there for them. but whomever i get close to will hurt me again and again. since i have known love firsthand, it is hard for me to accept much less. superficial highschool relationships, i have come to learn, are there for a reason. not just to make kids hate each other for no reason, but to teach you how to function with those of the opposite sex. turns out i have no idea how to be in a relationship since those i have known have been so fucking weird.
i dont understand how to have a real girlfriend, only how it feels to understand someone so well, to know someone inside out {or to think you do}, how astounding it is when someone you care about that much actively loves you back. i dont know many people that i can believe have known that. quite seperately, i know how wonderful it is to have someone you can spend time with, you can talk to, you can know like that and more. someone you can sit and not have to talk, someone you can insult without feeling remorse, someone who knows your troubles and treats them as their own. and i dont consider them dates, the things we did, cause it never felt like it. i only want them to be like that, i want to have someone i dont have to go through the motions with because you dont have to, when you are friends like that. thats all a good relationship should be anyway, best friends.
the practical measures elude me. what i want, and it may be too much to ask, is for someone to get to know me and fall in love with me. someone i can feel the same way about. i dont want or need formalities, i want a connection. and maybe thats the problem. these days, i assume i am golden, that if people understood the human being i am that they would find good reason to want me around. its that assumption that keeps me looking up, since you cant be too hard on yourself if you cant fault yourself. things might just be playing out the way they are supposed to. im not that great, not that talented, funny, smart, or lovable. i just dont know it yet. i continue to hold on to those i lost a long time ago, though against my will. i cant help but care and cant help but be burned by it. i cant change things for myself and cant seem to find anyone who is willing to take the lead for me, the emotional gimp that i am.
and if im not all that great then its just a facade. and everything really is just that fucked up. my mental state {i have tics, lots of them}, my emotional state, everything behind my eyes... just functions a little differently than everyone else.
and cant i even have jesus? i listen to the most inspiring music sometimes. and i want to believe it but it is so hard. when will there be a light, really? i havent been to church in months. i dont like for it to feel like a cult. some people love a congregational mentality, like a family. lately, i have been much the opposite. i pray every night. i pray for my family and friends and myself and for someone, eventually, to complete me. i pray that i am as good to everyone else as they are to me, because it would be just as much a crime as anything if i were to find my soulmate but i wasnt theirs. i just dont feel the light. there are people in my home church that sing on stage, that close their eyes as they mouth the syllables. people that open their palms skyward and lean back and take in rays of heavenly sun that only they can see. maybe its just invisible to me. i dont feel it in me. i dont know what people feel when they get like that. i believe in God, i swear i do. i try and be a decent human being and to follow the commandments. i dont read the bible but i know whats in it. i pray for my sins to be absolved and that i dont commit them to begin with. im a good person. but i dont feel it.
i hope i do someday. someday soon. because if i cant have anyone on earth, i at least want someone above. i want something to click inside me and i want to feel the warmth of the love of God in my belly. i want a supreme confidence that everything will be ok because that is what i believe is there for some people. i just dont know why it isnt me.
why isnt it me?
posted by sunshine at 8:36 PM
2 Comments:
I still wonder what's happening to people when they do that in church. Are they truly feeling something, or are they just trying really hard... I never felt a thing, and I never found faith, no matter how hard I prayed. Maybe I never really wanted it. I don't know who's taking the easier way out, me or the Christians.
I love you. And so does God.
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