realnecessity

the original title of this post was realnessecity because it combined realness and nessecity... only i realized that it was actually spelled necessity and so i made it look funny. meh, at least its correct. not that that's everything, it isnt. by far. i just want to play guitar right now, or sleep. instead, im listening to beautiful music - the kind where, right now, i would take a bullet for the artist, the kind that reminds me so much of two people even though the first time i listened to it has been since ive seen either of them, the kind that i am afraid to listen to too much because i would die if i got sick of it, the kind i would almost disown my friends for knowing the words of. its real right now. and i have a new dream girl again. so correct.

i am real. not a philosophical statement. but i am. i am a real, genuine, human being, guy. sometimes it feels like i am the only one i know. i am deep and i feel and i empathize like its nobody's business and i care like its my job and i love and it really is the only thing on earth to me. i always hate it when people start talking about their "stories" because i have none. unless there are things i did which i dont remember - and nobody has mentioned any - i am about the most real, non-historied person i know. and why? because of it. i have been in love twice. do you know how real that is? how much that makes you a complete human being? i know for once simply how indescribably wonderful it is to be loved by someone you love. i know, its great loving someone and its great being loved by someone but please, if both are there, in the right way, it will blow you away.

i hear stories about getting drunk and hooking up with people. stories of dating the hottest girl in high school between jaunts with her other guy. i hear about beach week and breaking up over college. none of this applies to me. i fell in love and through the miles it was there. it was really there. then i had her in my arms, only i was too much a man to force her hand while she was involved. and i am in love. and it persists and is there every single breath i take and i am still the only one i know that i can believe one hundred percent is real. i have never hooked up with someone or had a girlfriend just to have one. i aint perfect, i would kill for a hand to hold but i find it hard to accept much less than what i had. and nobody else is perfect, its just that...

it takes people time. eventually someone will figure out that i am all here and willing to bear it all to be someone's puzzle piece. and its whats so hard about my life. sometimes it just fits and it hurts like hell to give that up. how is it possible to believe in much else when you never did resolve that? but it takes time. i am a perpetual friend because i dont strip for the hot girls or make moves or get my mack on or any of that shit. i dont know what it is. i dont even know how to be in a relationship. i dont know what it takes to be a good boyfriend. all i know is how to be a damn good best friend. and thats what a puzzle piece is. when you dont have to make moves or get drunk to hook up or try and play games at all. sometimes you dont have to think at all, sometimes no words are necessary. sometimes you can just be there, in the same place, or on the same phone, or in each other's heads... sometimes its so perfect that everything flows, you just fit and i dont know a better way to say it. its hard to give up.

and thats all i know. when the fun is over i will still be here, waiting. when you are tired of all the falseties and superficialities of life, i am here.