lamp hat
there was a time this summer when i went something like twenty-one days straight writing, more - thirty maybe. but i don't so much anymore, i get tired at night. work all day and it happens. i feel bad saying that i don't necessarily want to hear the dave on the coffee shop radio but the truth is i really don't like the song. a lot of the stuff off of the new album just isn't what he should be doing. nobody escapes their past. i downloaded two entire d&t shows today along with some other stuff. brings my total individual dave output to something like 500+ songs, 53 or so hours, 5 gigs of music. i love it.
sean was just over at a table looking at a broken lamp. he took the shade off and i thought he was going to wear it as a hat but some people walked in so he went back to work. they call me the coffee shop bum, i'm not sure why. only been here three times this year. i can't shake the paranoia that i'm going to see someone here and be forced to communicate with her. i do anyway, i can't stop myself. because i know she hangs out here, because i know that because she is human she must use the bathroom, and because i know there's a spot above the door handle that everyone must look at, i write in blue chalk "lenin". i know if i make sure it stays there she will see it. it's an inevibility. i'm not sure what she will think or what i mean by it at all. i don't want to mean anything. i want to stop being paranoid. like that will ever happen... ever.
it's friday but it doesn't feel like it. i still have the lingering feeling of it being earlier in the week, monday or tuesday. the feeling that i have a lot of shit to deal with before i can relax again, but, except for a three hour block tomorrow morning, i don't have that much to do... which is pleasant. i've also lost touch with almost everyone that doesn't go to school here, which is not good. there's one girl i've been talking to more since i've been here. which is absolutely lovely. and she knows it. i'm getting tired of being cryptic.
i placed my first order for alcohol tonight. feels like a milestone. that's all i'm saying about that. except to say that i was the only one in my bio lab today to write on the ta's questionaire that i was at school to, among other things, swish listerine in my mouth until i couldn't taste the tequila i was preparing to get drunk on. i think it's good to be verbosely comically honest on some of these things. i wrote the guy two paragraphs to answer his question. he quoted me twice. nobody else came close, i know i brightened his day.
worst, i feel like i'm really losing contact with the one girl who has consistently meant the most to me over the last four and a half years (possibly). i don't talk to her hoping she will talk to me. she doesn't talk to me. she's busy, i'm sure, and doesn't even notice. and the worst part is, i don't even know what to say to her. i have nothing new to tell her, nothing to talk about. i don't know how to speak to her anymore. it worries me.
oh well, things will get better, they always do. i'm going to worry about other things now. i'm going to walk back to my room in the rain and play 'loving wings' on my guitar real quietly because it's the most beautiful, simple song i can think of right now.
sean was just over at a table looking at a broken lamp. he took the shade off and i thought he was going to wear it as a hat but some people walked in so he went back to work. they call me the coffee shop bum, i'm not sure why. only been here three times this year. i can't shake the paranoia that i'm going to see someone here and be forced to communicate with her. i do anyway, i can't stop myself. because i know she hangs out here, because i know that because she is human she must use the bathroom, and because i know there's a spot above the door handle that everyone must look at, i write in blue chalk "lenin". i know if i make sure it stays there she will see it. it's an inevibility. i'm not sure what she will think or what i mean by it at all. i don't want to mean anything. i want to stop being paranoid. like that will ever happen... ever.
it's friday but it doesn't feel like it. i still have the lingering feeling of it being earlier in the week, monday or tuesday. the feeling that i have a lot of shit to deal with before i can relax again, but, except for a three hour block tomorrow morning, i don't have that much to do... which is pleasant. i've also lost touch with almost everyone that doesn't go to school here, which is not good. there's one girl i've been talking to more since i've been here. which is absolutely lovely. and she knows it. i'm getting tired of being cryptic.
i placed my first order for alcohol tonight. feels like a milestone. that's all i'm saying about that. except to say that i was the only one in my bio lab today to write on the ta's questionaire that i was at school to, among other things, swish listerine in my mouth until i couldn't taste the tequila i was preparing to get drunk on. i think it's good to be verbosely comically honest on some of these things. i wrote the guy two paragraphs to answer his question. he quoted me twice. nobody else came close, i know i brightened his day.
worst, i feel like i'm really losing contact with the one girl who has consistently meant the most to me over the last four and a half years (possibly). i don't talk to her hoping she will talk to me. she doesn't talk to me. she's busy, i'm sure, and doesn't even notice. and the worst part is, i don't even know what to say to her. i have nothing new to tell her, nothing to talk about. i don't know how to speak to her anymore. it worries me.
oh well, things will get better, they always do. i'm going to worry about other things now. i'm going to walk back to my room in the rain and play 'loving wings' on my guitar real quietly because it's the most beautiful, simple song i can think of right now.
posted by sunshine at 12:01 AM
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