math notes

last friday -

prof. has a hokey high voice like david sedaris but without the class. it is by no means intimidating. he proudly does example after example with an air. black on black with white shoes. has got his t-shirt tucked in, like an old man. writes and erases over and over. chalkboard is an ugly lady who puts on more makeup everytime she looks in the mirror and never takes any off. dust everywhere, invisible but burning.


today -

i feel the need to be artsy. the time prof. was calling names i looked at my pen (green) and wished - my phone rang - i could see it as a weapon, as a tool, an extension for art. im not really a good drawer but i scribbled a flower and it looks quirky so im proud of it. and im thinking about writing. not just these words but more important ones. i want to believe in something. i want to write like jack and nick, write about love and loss, of life and death, about the things that weigh on my mind. problem is, it takes a certain time, a certain balance of depression and motivation to get it all out. a certain combination of lonliness, boredom, and opportiunity. i hate to say it, but when i am truly happy, i rarely feel like writing about anything meaningful. they say in psychology that depressed people have a more accurate view of themselves and their life. i feel like i am getting more done slowly scribbling these lines out than paying attention to prof. speaking on graphical antidifferentiation. this is more real to me, more pertinent to life. ive been over it all before anyway.

i have a vision of my future. its another one of my pretty thoughts that rarely turn out that way in real life. its a day just like today. pretty warm but with a pleasant breeze, even in january. i am out running with ginny. sometimes its on the sidewalk heading to luter from johnson, sometimes in the shade heading north on the outside of kitchen and poteat. im wearing a white t-shirt and basketball shorts that look normal but feel too long. theres a little flash mp3 player strapped to my arm - though i dont have it yet - so i can play dave or ben or sufjan or whatever. the camo hat's on backwards to keep the hair out of my eyes and im standing in the mizuno nirvanas waiting at home. the asics socks are rolled down just a little bit to look right. sounds lovely, im ready.