rain

its raining outside... it feels a slight bit appropriate. it hasnt rained in a good long time and ive been walking in it, just to and from places. doesnt bother me, it isnt very hard, just there. just cold and damp.

i get the notion, for the first time in my life, that its time for me to go. i need to leave this place, home, create it somewhere else, with someone else. my dad is the only one thats the same, in a good way. and hes wonderful... my sister is still a bitch and still mistreats my parents every time she opens her mouth. my mother, whom i have always been closest too of all, is changing. most of the time, when we are alone, or at home, things are fine. but its become clear that sometimes, noticable times, she is turning into her mother. i love my grandmother too, never have a bad word with her but she is how she is. my mother complains about the way she is frustrating and mean to people when she goes out, but its probably just because she is old and wants things her way. chews people out at the vet or whatever, its nothing i ever see. my mother doesnt understand that she is the same way sometimes. its embarrasing to someone like me, just naturally easy to get along with {i hope}, the way she is.

there was a sign by the picture-cutter we bought offering free paper with the purchase. she didnt know what paper it meant and took it up with the poor cashier girl at the counter. the girl looked tired but made an effort to be friendly and help us out however she could. my mother made a comment about there being a sign about paper and questioned how she should know what paper they meant, was she supposed to bring paper up there or did they have it back there? see, we dont particularly need paper, its just that it was offered. the girl didnt know what she was talking about but grabbed a sales handout to find the picture-cutter. mom made some comment saying she should probably scan it to see if it would register. her whole demeanor was just sarcastic. i tried to put my hands in my pockets and look friendly to make up for her. she couldnt find it in the sales guide and my mother told her to forget about it, seeing as she didnt feel like walking back there and figuring it out herself. the poor girl offered to go back there and look at it but my mom told her, tersely, that it wasnt worth it. So she finished our checkout and thanked us. I made sure to speak up a kindly "thank you" just so she would know i was there. i felt sorry for her... and myself. i dont want to think people change.

i also dont want to feel like i dont belong here anymore. ill be heading back for semester two at wake in a couple days and im used to thinking it would be rough, moving back. i want to belong here like i always have. maybe this happens to everyone, i dont know. easy as it is for me, on days like this, i withdraw. well, i withdraw from my family and open up to the rest of the world, however that works. everyone else listens. if im lucky, they respond. my mother is like that, i just dont want to approach her right now. just silent for a night, speak if i need to, in private, to my dad. theres something i need to talk about anyway. not wondering how that will work out.

i apologize for another melancholy post. i have a lot to say about 2006, a lot of optimism stored up inside. maybe sometime soon ill find the motivation to expel it all... if youre lucky ;)