"ok i think we need to have a test. a penis and a vagina are in a tent thats on fire. who do you save?" ~ will and grace

"somebody's been sleeping in my bed!" said papa bear. "somebody's been sleeping in my bed!" said momma bear. "someone's been sleeping in my bed too" said baby bear, "and the bastards still there!" but little red riding hood had a double barreled remington with a hair trigger and that was the end of the three little bears. ~ grumpier old men

sorry i havent written in so long but exams are looming and most everybody is being a pain in the ass so forgive me for my distance. i hate exams. it seems to me that the most logical reason for education is to make the populous more intelligent. we accomplish this by lessons and tests. tests, why tests? tests label children who arent capable of retaining the information required to "pass." you would think we wouldnt want to label kids, just teach them. however, we test them, separate them, teach them again, pass them, fail them etc. tests not only try a child's knowledge but stick with them as a permanent reminder of how well or badly they were performing that day. lets say lil timmy blue has a bad day, gets to sleep late, gets up late, eats no breakfast and does badly on a geography test. well, that grade will stick with lil timmy blue until the grades restart. it will haunt him, bring his grades down, cause him to be ridiculed because he had a bad day. lets say lil timmy blue just happens to be a smart kid and learns the material. now lil timmy blue is just as smart as the other children. he could take the test again and do very well, bring his grade up to an average that in reality represents his intellect. but the tragic part is, lil timmy blue doesnt get second chances. teachers view their job as what it is, teach the children, test the children, give the children grades and see if they pass or fail. in reality these tests dont mean much because it shouldnt be a matter of what lil timmy blue's memory held that day but what he accomplishes in learning.

in this way, exams arent so evil since they cover the year but regular tests are. but still, kids cram, kids stuff their brains and get sick and tired and irratible because they are about to be labeled with grades they cant change. lil timmy blue could have been a wonderful scientist discovering cures to AIDS if only he hadnt fallen asleep during that government exam senior year. sorry timmy, you blew it.

this is why lil timmy blue is so blue.

you know, introducing logic into a dogma can be quite a volatile mix, homer.

captain is a funny word. just look at it... cap tain... captain... its great. hahaha. i am the captain of... this ship.

have you ever noticed? at the beach
when the pelicans sit on the pier like logs
watching a school of fish below
but they have no intentions of feeding there
just to watch the bigger fish
already strangled by time take the route
around the school... when the pelicans dive

there goes another one just like the other one

i am so sorry...

i was at the hospital again today (for various reasons) and they wanted me to take another one of those damn urinalysis tests (pee in a cup people, my lord). so im at the bathroom, the doors closed as usual so i knock and try the handle. some little girl in there goes, as many many people do, "im in here." now tell me this. how the hell am i supposed to know who the fuck "i" is? this really doesnt help. i know its in there so i dont just go in but it really just relays useless info. i remember once, and ive posted this before, this little kid walks up to the stall im in and starts asking me my name and age and all this shit... creepy. anyway, some people eh?

sortof a depressing thing happened yesterday. i was headed to my grandmas to mow her grass going fast down this road near my house that goes through the country (its a 55). around a corner i see this big old turtle (big papa... heh heh) just sittin there between the edge of the road and the white line. as i screamed on past i thought to myself, you know, we used to save turtles all the time. since i have my license, i think i will. it will make me feel good anyway. so about a mile down the road, i find a good spot to turn around and speed in the other direction. only 2 vehicles passed me in this time, 2 big old s.u.v.s... figures. so by the time i get back down there i was greatly saddened to find big papa a foot off the road on his back with blood dripping from his mouth. so, of course, i pulled into a church parking lot to turn around and screamed expletives for a minute before heading off to my grandmas. do you ever wonder if that rabbit you just flattened was a little girl's that got loose? squirrels, rabbits, snakes, dogs, cats, opossums, turtles, deer, boar (once)... the list goes on. roadkill makes me want to cry.

how come crowded stores build 20 different registers yet only use 6?

why does it take only one stray match to start a forest fire but an entire box to start a campfire?

the apathy astounds me... haha, some people:

me: you suck
me: what would you drive?
jen: my car
jen: that is in the garage
jen: haha
me: which is a...
jen: white care
jen: *car
jen: haha
me: oooh those white cars are nice

theres something in my refrigerator and i dont know what it is. its kindof white creamy with chunks of stuff in an unlabeled container. im scared to smell it. its going to bug me until i eat it. not that it wont be healthier than my weekend diet of chocolate milk, coffee, roast beef, and cheese... i love being home alone.

im running
lean back and forward go with the flow
dont pop your knees its stupid
and im running
and with a ball
the world for a while
just playing around but for real
rusty... hah, everytime the same old curves
like a river that stops changing with age
and im running
switching feet send it to the middle
and back to the backstop,
a goal too big and too small
an old tobacco net, rigged to poles
flipping and flapping in the summer breeze
undercut and the sphere flies over the fence
and im running
jump it and chase the mut, play around
but stop before her shiny teeth penetrate this balloon
back over the fence, holly biting my ankles
but never going further, never injuring
left foot right foot its all the same but all the difference
and im running
a final time standing in the shade
the bubble balanced on a beautiful few blades of green
checking the side view the sun in the trees
windows of houses near but theres no one home
only fifty yards or so to the brown on the green
to everyone later this cut-took
but the truth, like a dream or the most private confessional
known only to me and god
is a curve
not a curve like that of the river
or the arc a rubber band makes across a room
more or less straight but a perceived and planned curve
perhaps overcompensated, as the bullet fucks it up again
and im running
down the river that leads to my shelter
or, perhaps, up... depending on your perspective
or your personal view on the glass issue
worn out soles pounding the pavement
worn out soul pushing them further
the sky slowly fades from purple to black
taking a cue from the lifeblood giving it notice
nearly the same as the heart
beating in perfect harmony with the feet
as if by remote, and if they fail, so does it
and im running
on and on down the river, now dry from traffic
not there but heard with every backward glance
imagined with every cricket chirp that makes you jump
felt with every fly that crashes and sinks in my skin
almost damp with beads of dew but not yet
as if holding off for the grand finale waterfall at the end
and im running
around the bend in the meandering river
the same bend the feather took on the wind
that used to blow around here
the same bend traffic sucked dry and where grass
used to live in the dirt long buried by the new concrete grave
and im running
i reach the end and think for a second, a precious thought
that slows me enough for my airbags to catch up
and cause a pain in my breast signaling me to tap the ground
turn around and continue on, going back but going forward
left side or right side left foot right foot
it doesnt matter because cars dont go here anymore
not this time of dusk, not this day of the week
saved but from the tramping of a boys feet
and im running
back round the bend back home down the hill
but upon seeing the others in their drive scraping with a rake
rocks, eerily similar to the viet-congs harvesting rice
before such a quarrel broke out that i turn back
which is to say, forward again
and run back, away from the silent escalating tension
that the rocks create for the rake
and im running
back to the end, which is the middle
the middle was to be the turning point until then
i decided the middle to be the curve and the road, the middle
which recieved me as well as it had before, albeight a little darker
but that comes with the night, advancing as i was toward a destination
unstated but still known by all, which will one day prove us wrong
and dissapear, causing all certainty to cease and i will laugh
and im running
with the idea to touch the pavement, to ignore the pain in my heart
because the pain is of two things and not one
two faces being physical and emotional the only difference being
one has a repreive at the end of the road while the other will wait longer
turn back, which is still forward as motion tends to be
to end this night and this life on the river
by going back to continue it in rather different venues
under daylight where the crickets chirp wont be as scary
and im running
the rice people have moved with their rock-rake down
and i glide past my heart still in my feet
and my soul still in the sky
but a little easier now because its all downhill
as life tends to be, as i said, it depends on your
perception of the glass issue
which everyone seems to have an opinion of
and im running
right up to the front door, where i dont turn and bid farewell to the night
and life, ever joking, or the door takes my shoe as i walk inside
and forces me to take a last look at the river
that took me there and brought me back on the wings of my heart
and the blades of chartreuse that held the bubble so well
and the wind which didnt contribute to the meandering of the bullet
but took all the blame without complaint
and to god who lets me run

isnt the hammock beautiful? the way it leaves a pocket in its cargo surface, a memory of you, when you get up. you can look back and see it, picture it, slightly swinging, inviting you back. it takes you in, conforms to you, becomes part of you... its a shame more people arent like hammocks.

do you know what annoys me? not to sound racist but textbooks that try hard to be as antidiscriminatory as possible. that annoys me. i was looking through the french book today when i get to a page where a guy and his friends are going to a restaurant. whens the last time you saw 2 koreans (a guy and a girl) a black girl and a white guy go out to eat together?... in france??? what kindof fucking foreigners club is this? now, i have no objections to race or anything at all, if i was friends with many people of othre races, hell, i would do stuff with them. unfortunately i go to a mostly white school. it just looks really wierd and its not like that ever happens. i cant tell you how many interracial couples ive seen in these books compared to how many ive seen in real life...

do you know what else is stupid? extremely stupid? horrendously amazingly horribly blindingly stupid? i was channel surfing a few minutes ago when i came upon a show. not just any show, a dog show. no, a beauty pagent. no, a dog beauty pagent. (you can see where this is going) this is a show on FOX called the Miss Dog Beauty Pagent. my god... they had dogs from every state, called them names (and here is sweet pea, miss new jersey...) and judged them. they were judged on beauty (of course), poise (?), talent, and even evening wear... im not kidding, they dressed them up. ("and here is missy with a nice silver gown") the dogs werent even the same breed. how are they supposed to compare dogs of different breeds?? its rediculous, its crazy, its outlandish and i hate it! in the end they picked 5 runners up and a winner and made that poor soul wear a crown (it almost peed itself it was so freaked out) and even played songs for it... what is the world coming to?? (by the way, sweet pea won)

if i lean back in the chair, close my eyes and pressure the carpet lightly with my toes at an angle with a slight pulse... i can give myself the illusion that i am spinning when in fact i am quite stationary

caliente thursday really yall... fuck review sessions... too many shirts... diet pepsi (?!?!?!?!)... grass lives in dirt... not going home... getting a call from a friend... throwing 'javelins' in the park... eating haliflowers... its a beautiful life

...and yet...

i have a persona for every occasion. sometimes it elevates to a point where i dont know who i am anymore

crazy, this feeling
that's here to stay
i want it, cant have it
just too far away
your highs and your lows
expressed in each hit
i guess, somehow
you pay for what you get

this deep pain within me
grows darker every day
all painless escapes closed
theres no other way
but to keep on going,
chew through the bit
i guess, sometimes
you pay for what you get

at least you know whats going down
and see all you can do;
would take the time to save me
if time would rescue you
but time only speeds up
to kill a new sunset
i guess, someway
you pay for what you get

for now ill sit here drowning
and you sinking in the sand
keeping faith in the future
and the coming helping hand
when thay day comes, know
there will be no regret
i guess, somehow
you pay for what you get

i took a shower a while ago. this brought something to my attention. my shampoo is blue (dont ask, its ocean breeze...) but whenever it gets to my head, its white. are you following me? whatever color your shampoo is, the foam is always white. why is this? how can it just lose all its color... i know they add dye to it, they have to, its fuckin blue shampoo. but where does all the dye go? i had orange shampoo before this and it did the same thing. my hair didnt turn orange and i dont think its turning blue. but really, what goes on. you dont see it change, its not gradual. it just is suddenly different like some strange metamorphosis all hair products go through while, i dont know, becoming adults. strange...

"The 29-21 vote capped a stirring 1 1/2-hour debate with Bible quotes, cursing and a last-minute conversion in favor of the moratorium..." a few days ago, the north carolina state senate voted 29-21 for a 2 year moratorium to rethink their ways of dealing with capitol punishment. in other words, no executions for 2 years. some senators were quoted saying that they really didnt want to execute anyone who is really innocent and they would feel like its their fault if they went ahead and still kept the death penalty. so far, at least 2 people have been taken off death row because the police witheld evidence that would release them. north carolina, who started capitol punishment again in the mid 80's (we have executed 23) currently has over 200 people on death row, the 6th largest death row in the country. how horrible is this? 200+ people waiting to die. spending every moment of their lives hopeless... this decision, which still has to go to the house for debate, has made me very happy, the flaming liberal that i am. i think the death penalty is a terrible, barbaric, cruel, and just about unjustified way to deal with our criminals. like it would be that much more expensive to keep them in jail? i dont think money is really a problem here. not that we dont have too many people in jail anyway... seriously though, can you really tell me that an execution by the state is any more justified than an execution by someone over drug money? how is this death any different from the original one? now get this, people seem to think the criminals deserve to die. as soon as someone deserves to die, their life holds no value. the only value of life, after all, is living. even if the victim was a horrible person himself, the criminal still deserves to die for his death? by taking this view we are saying the victims life was much more important than the criminal's waning life. can we really devalue someone like that? thats all these executions do, take another life but call it ok because he deserved it because he did something wrong. im not saying that its ok for people to kill others and not be punished, shit, throw the bastards in jail but death shouldnt be an option. this should be covered by the 8th amendment in the bill of rights which prohibits "cruel and unusual punishment." how is death not cruel? we as a society have no right to say someone should die. currently, about 38 states support the death penalty. soooo, what about the other 12? are they wrong or right? you cant really say an entire state is wrong because they wouldnt support taking lives of their citizens. you can call me a hippie, that doesnt bother me... if you think about it though, if youre religious, you shouldnt kill... if you aren't, isnt it cruel? nobody can give any justification for these vile acts besides that they deserved it, our prisons are too overcrowded or its too expensive etc... its stupid.