somber but content night. back in the coffee shop in a big cushy brown chair {is it just me or are big brown things comforting? kind of remind me of cows...} with a lukewarm almond roca and a girl standing up in front of me to leave. finally the song comes back on... after a long haitus... i knew it would ;)
my 'flu' is in remission for the time being. wont know until tomorrow - later today - actually... but im just opperating on assumption tonight. and i know my headphones will hurt after a little while but im ok with it for now. i saw a song online a second ago, a really-quite-good cover of an old song i knew, brought it all back. you know how these things do. actually that song just reminded me of another off the same album that i like even more... in fact it might be the track before. that song reminded me of spring break sophomore year, when i went down to fort lauderdale, florida.
remember back then? back when we were in love? love is such a pretty word, it's hard not to italicize it sometimes... now that i have that certain music on, i can continue properly. see, i can remember that song driving down I-95 the second day, into the city. marveling at all the expensive cars you find in a place such as that. i remember laying back in the bathtub reading jack for the first time and listening to this album. just learning the words, back then. aside from this, there was other good music that trip. did you know i listened to your favorite song every single night before i fell asleep? it was the last thing i heard. im sure i told you that... and off the burnt copy of that original cd to boot. you remember lending it to me dont you? i do, in the biology room of the high school, after school. dont think i will ever forget.
remember the phone calls late at night? i stood out on our fifth (or so) story landing and we spoke for hours. it was always comforting that it was so warm out and, facing the city, the skyline was always lit up. and with the lights from the parking lot... it was never dark, just night. and i could stand there leaning against the railing watching the cars drive by below. and after my parents woke up that one time, from that night on out, i would take their keys and walk down and out to the parking lot and sit in the car just to get to you. remember the time i sat out in the truck, outside my motel room at the beach, when i went deep-sea fishing? i spoke to you and, for the first time, ryan. you were cooking and it was dangerous... i tried recommending black rebel motorcycle club but yall wouldnt listen. i still do.
that was back with my first cell phone. back when we could joke - holy shit, your other favorite song just came on... it hurts to hear, you know that - about our phones getting hot after talking for so long. remember the first night i ever had my phone, i put you on speed dial #4 (its still there) because i was that number on yours. i took a walk out to the street and in the middle of the front yard, hit the button. that conversation, walking down my street, under the stars, was the first one on my first phone.
i remember whenever we would fight or have troubles back in the day, i would call you up (i knew you wouldnt answer) on my way into school and leave long messages on your voicemail. {ill never let you fall from heights so high...} if you only knew, love, how much of my turning into a real human being has to do with you. you were there for it all...
why else would i be so happy to sit here and muse on a girl i havent seen in a year and a half, whom i have only seen maybe a couple hours since i ever really knew her. who is actually terrible at talking on the phone and usually finds some way to piss me off or hurt me. someone i cant even seem to get along with these days. so why do i do it? theres something tenderly magical about those years that, even with all thats come after, i wouldnt change for the world. you were the one girl i was never quite sure existed because all i got were your words, sometimes too good to be true. and of course i remember you in person. some of those times you innocently touched me as you walked past, i would give the rest of my life to feel again.
that trip, the one to fort lauderdale, i used to try and comprehend just how far away you were. i mean, as if the six hundred miles werent enough for everyday life, did i have to match it? especially the night spent in key west. thats still the farthest south i have ever been. that night, like all the others, i tried to call you before going to sleep. that night... oh hell, the reception was bad, wasnt it? i tried to call you, missed you. you would call me back and i would try and pick up but you wouldnt be there. id try back and not get anyone and then my phone would ring but to no avail. i would stand outside searching for a signal and sit in the car, like i was so used to, trying to get a hold of you, kid. i dont even remember if we ever actually spoke that night, but the whole act of simply trying to will stick with me.
hm, if i only knew, that night in key west so long ago, that years later i would be sitting in a coffee shop at wake forest at 1:30 in the morning with the flu listening to music and wishing i was back there... lord can you hear that? this song i remember learning the words to at the beach. standing in the kitchen, after the rest of the family had gone to the shore. walking around, sun tan lotion, walking out the door, singing slowly. {so i cant tonight, baby} and i always thought it would be appropriate if we ever broke up, whenever that was. so much more effective in real life, of course, but that never happened. ah well, how much do i really deserve?
you still owe me the city. i walked around in my backyard that night, in the dark, looking up at the sky, listening out for deer while you promised to show me the city someday. i always thought, as it is so easy to do, that it would happen. maybe not in the forseeable future but someday, easily, it would happen. funny how that all seems so difficult, so unlikely now. {i suddenly feel like a different person}
those nights out on the balcony i will never forget. the way the air sat like a blanket when not nudged around by that sweet breeze. trying to keep the sliding door quiet when i was sneaking in and out. having to take my phone charger out there with me because we were so comfortable. leaning against the railing, one arm down, watching the skyline and the cars below. clouds whipping across the sky, across the moon. and right there with me, my first love. do you remember? because i do...
