true story straight out of the back of the not quite God-awful book "Hardball."
"Senator Bradley came to the Senate with his reputation as Princeton All-American and NBA star preceding him. Invited to make a speech at a large banquet, the confident legislator sat at the head table waiting to make his address. When the waiter came around and put a pat of butter on his plate, Bradley stopped him. "Excuse me, can I have two pats of butter?" "Sorry," said the waiter, "one pat to a person." "I dont think you know who I am, " Bradley said, "I'm BILL BRADLEY, the Rhodes scholar, professional basketball player, world champion, United States Senator." The waiter said, ''Well maybe you dont know who I am." "Well, as a matter of fact, I dont," Bradley said, "Who are you?" "I'm the guy," the waiter said, "who's in charge of the butter."

"its that baby, ben was definately wearing ducks... or clowns."
"well which baby is it, ducks or clowns?"
"i dont know, lets flip for it."
"what??? flip for the baby?"
"do you have a better idea?"
"ok, call it in the air."
"heads"
"heads it is."
"yesss."
"you stupid, we have to assign heads to something!"
"ummm ok, ducks is heads... because... ducks have heads!"
"what kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?"
~ Friends

ive been watching "the practice" lately and from what it portrays, people going crazy can be quite funny. some quotes...
"did he just call me 'buttnuts'?"
"dont put statements in my mouth, i am perfectly capable of spewing my own nonsense"
"how long has it since you've been laid you little cherubic sperm magnet?"
"until they pass through the 'great vaginal gateway' like the holland tunnel..."
"you go out there babbling like an evangelist on coke"
"motion to rid earth of mankind denied"

::walks into the cow building:: "wow it smells like garner in here" it confuses me how so many city folk wont even consider doing such a simple act as petting a cow. we were at the fair today and all the city people were like, "no im not touching that thing!" i tried to tell them, its only a cow, look how pretty she is, with those big eyes, shes just lying there, just touch the cow. her name's sweet pea, just pet her. shes the sweetest thing ever. they are my next door neighbors for jesus sake they are my best friends. scratch her head its soft. "nooo its a cow, im not touching it." wimps. wouldnt even taste the blue ribbon hay. ive heard the 5th place hay was sweeter than the 1st place one but it tasted ok to me. city people confuse me. they wont go out to where there is more than an acre of land with no buildings on it and think that if the car broke down, they would surely die and that their cell phones would probably not work all the way out here. o and yes thats my grandmother's house right there... the chicken house smelled like babies but that was ok because there was a hand sanitizer dispenser inside the door. all those chickens and turkeys... and ooooh the ducks. the chicks were cute, i got to hold a turkey chick, im just glad it didnt piss on me or worse. the birds were crazy, all clucking thru their cages to others like, "come over here bitch and say that." it was hilarious. what else was hilarious? when the announcer actually called for a "dixie normous" to meet their sister at the fountains. rolling on the ground laughing after that one. the state fair is the only place where you can survive on a mint choco chip milkshake, a pepsi, a deepfried snickers bar, and a mountain dew... believe me i have tried. i need one of those confederate flag balloon baseball bats. hahaha mooooo...

"dont just look, prufrock, see..."
gopo will kill me someday. all the essays, all the opinions, they will slowly suck me dry until all that is left of me is a babbling fool crouched in the corner of the room with bloodshot eyes, muttering, "save the parties! save the parties! mmm libertarians..." after that, english will kill me too, even though i am already legally braindead. it will dance through the dead-bolted door on a slight breeze and slip to the floor. staying to the shadows, it will slowly whisper up to me and smoothly thrust an 80 page small novel down until it is lodged in my throat, all while i sleep. forcefully infusing me with useless knowledge, all in cold blood.
cant a walrus, a polar bear, and a penguin have a functional relationship if the polarbear promised not to eat the walrus or the penguin and the penguin thinks the polar bear is a sexy beast? i thought so

me: ... the ultimate... i have never eaten a hamburger.... shocker
lisa: noooooooooo!!! are you a veggie????

"I'm looking at the WENUS and i dont like what i see!!" ~ chandler bing
"the new name for the state-carolina rivalry should be, 'chapel hill suck my dick!'" ~ some girl named katie
"an airline company says it has developed an airline seat that could protect or even save the life of its occupant in a crash. they say they should be able to install it in airlines by 2016. however, most americans said they would be more comfortable if they were to install them in 2 thousand and Right Now Bitch!!!" ~ SNL Weekend Update
"I was not wanking!! i just had to piss and couldnt find a bathroom!" ~ the practice

joke overheard monday night:
a woman walks into a grocery store and asks the guy at the counter if they had any chocolate icecream. the guy says, "nope, sorry but we just ran out today." so the woman leaves. the woman comes back the next day and asks the same guy if they had any chocolate icecream. the guy replies, "no, umm... we still dont have any, and we might not for a while soo..." so the woman leaves. the same woman comes back the third day and asks the same guy if they have any chocolate icecream. angrily, the guy tells her, "look bitch, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?'' "um yeah, she says, s-t-r-a-w." "good, can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?" "of course, v-a-n.'' "ok'', he said, "can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?" "umm.." the woman said, "there is no fuck in chocolate." so the guy looks her straight in the eye and says, "exactly."

"do you want any gum?"
"... gum would be perfection"... ('gum would be perfection'? what were you thinking? you could have said, 'gum would be great', or 'yeah thanks', but 'gum would be perfection'? what an moron!!) ~chanandler bong

"come on, everyone knows now. probably even some guys in canada..."
"awww honey, canadians don't matter..." ~ that 70's show

theories from scandi and I from soccer about anything:
"nooo curry is from japan"
"you can make garlic oranges with curry"
"im scandinavian, from denmark or somewhere"
"the native americans invented hockey after living on ice for 15 years"
"they skated on 'beaver tusks'"

i just happen to be listening to this song now for the first time in ages and realized that this song kicks royal ass so here goes...
"champaign supernova" ~ oasis
"how many special people change? how many lives are living strange? where were you while we were getting high? slowly walking down the hall faster than a cannonball, where were you while we were getting high? someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky. someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova, a champagne supernova in the sky.
wake up the dawn and ask her why a dreamer dreams, she never dies. wipe that tear away now from your eye. slowly walking down the hall faster than a cannonball,
where were you while we were getting high? someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky. someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova, a champagne supernova.
'coz we don't believe that they're gonna get away from the summer. but you and I will never die. the world's still spinning around we don't know why."