doors are horribly ironic. really they seem underappreciated dont they? most people dont even notice them, and if they do, its because they pose an obstacle to their destination. so usually people are pissed at doors. think though, doors are usually the only entrance or exit to a room. they are the way into confinement or the path to freedom. and yet... the door never enjoys any of these freedoms. it is usually bolted to a frame, shackled, tied to its tree like a dog. being the entrance, it never gets to enter the room. being the exit, it never gets to leave. just swinging in a quarter circle over and over again. locked and unlocked, opened and closed, slammed and blown open by the wind... a door can be security, a window, an obstacle... ever walked in a door showroom with all the doors sitting out for all to see? worthless arent they? serving no point at all. you can walk around them and feel them just laying there dead. its sad really...

driving down a country highway... at night... stars out... cool breeze... windows and sunroof down... loud smooth lovely music... speed limits 55 or something... its ok cause im going 65... my dad hit some deer there with the 'deer hunter' truck... (6 and counting)... im not scared... brights on... nobody around... aura of light over the city illuminates the cows in the pond... others chew cud or eat grass in the light of the moon... house lights are off... im alone... pure bliss and a lovely night...

all news is bad news. you see the newscasters on commercials advertising their news program. they smile, laugh, cover stories of kids and easter egg hunts, awards given, someones life being saved, a record being set etc... you flip to the news and the top story of the hour is on. family slaughtered in drive-by... high speed chase ends in tragedy... drunk driver kills family of 3... fire engulfs home in suburbia... crime rates are up... another execution this week... ... does anyone else find this sad, that all news is bad news? "why dont the newscasters cry when they read about people who die? at least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eye..."

as you can see, ive added a counter to the page. its more for my amusement since i guess you dont really care how many people see this page. i know i wont get that many hits and ive added it really late (it started aug 30 last year) so i dont know just how many i have but thats ok. so thanks for reading.

p.s. if you dont go to rchs or i dont know you read my stuff all the time, give me an email. the link is under the writing. just your name, hometown, state, comments... i really dont care. im no stalker or anything, i wont track you or search for you. ill probably forget it as soon as i read it. its just nice to know who out theres watching. thanks a lot everyone!!

good evening everyone. just a few random points tonight, nothing too long i hope.

-- i mowed the grass on our old teenage john deere (cause nothin runs like a deer) again tonight. now you may be saying pfft what fun can that be? let me tell you, mowing the grass isnt that bad, you just have to give yourself a few challenges. for example, i race myself around the yard, in concentric circles, ever tinier until theres nothing left... which of course is a good thing but the mowing part really isnt that bad. for example, i typically mow grass with a cd player in my left hand, leaving my right hand to simultaneously steer, control the throttle (beside my right hip), the blades (on the dash), the lights (beside the blades), and the deck (about 6" in front of my left knee which is about shoulder height cause my foots on the deck lever to try to keep it from popping up which happens anyway). this typically makes for an interesing enough drive around the yard. of course i have to do it fast, really powersliding around most of it. this works really excellently with a slight dew on the grass, making it slick. now, you may know this as fishtailing but its wonderfully fun going around corners. most of the time, if you time it right, you can whip the wheel and gun the throttle, kicking the tail (basically your ass) out around the corner and digging in to get back out of it once youre facing the right direction. it doesnt always work though. sometimes you overshoot it and the front tires dont dig in, basically just locked in the full turn position sliding towards a surely stationary object. this leaves you careening off course leaving you with a few options. either you could 1) flip the wheel in the other direction to gain traction and shake it back into orbit 2) use the throttle to slow her down and slowly gain your direction again or (my favorite) 3) tap the break while twitching the wheel and flick her out then gun the throttle and shoot back into the grass. if you dont feel like racing you could always go in a little circle around a sharp corner to get back online or try a 3 point turn but its just not the same as flicking her out. and to think, i actually only hit 1 tree tonight... (seriously) watch roots tho cause if you kick the tail out over a root, youll roll her (blades spinning), something im not too fond of. almost did it once. this is all even better in the dark (with headlights) and a thunderstorm brewing. the best is at the end when you have a small circle, just kicking her again and again pushing her out to the limits, constantly reaching over to reset the deck while not hitting stuff... so wonderful.

-- something else ive noticed before while mowing the grass but never thought to mention. sound is relative to 1) motion of course cause you need the vibrations to hear but 2) to background noise. sound is basically non existent, background or white noise, or what you want to hear. if its completely quiet you may be able to hear a pin drop across a room because theres no sound to distract you. maybe the news or something else helps you sleep at night, being your white noise. like i said before, while mowing the grass i listen to music. now, to hear it over the white noise of the mower, i have to turn the volume up pretty damn loud. the way i see it, you cant really hear something when its the same volume as the white noise. so if you start there, at 0, you can adjust the volume to what you would usually listen to. when i turn off the mower though, the music is so loud it physically hurts my ears. if i start the mower again, its fine. so really, is what we want to hear only relative to white noise?

-- a few things while ive been driving lately. youve all seen that acura commercial where the dude sees this goose flying alongside the road and drives his tl type-s with it to see where its going (of course you are spontaneous and have all the free time to follow birds if you drive an acura tl type-s). a while ago, as i pulled out onto the road there was a goose. it flew right beside me. it really was the coolest thing, to be going the same speed as this bird, to watch it fly, going throught the motions... really amazing. another thing, my car is invariably breaking down. its just started to die. sortof depressing really. aside from filters, belts, electronics and such... the radios broken, the odo and trip stopped and now the radio antenna wont even go up or down anymore... shocking eh? i was driving today listening to music (i cant tell you what) but it was good music with some bass and i had it turned up of course. so im driving through the city and people look at me funny. i guess they see me as just another punk teen whos listening to metallica or something. this really wasnt the case but i figured i dont give a damn after all. maybe it would surprise them to climb in the car with me. it surprises me how pissed everyone else is driving, anytime someone doesnt use their turn signal i mutter explitives but whats wrong with that. it gets dangerous however when people start swerving and speeding and shit. i dont go for that. it was nice today though, i got stopped at a big intersection and got a chance to just relax for a precious minute. i leaned back for just 30 seconds and looked through my sunroof at the sky. it was cloudy but i could see the individual rays of sunlight streaming out from behind the clouds. it was absolutely beautiful. that kind of thing always puts me in a good mood.

so anyway, enjoy life... i know theres a few things i forgot to write about, i guess i will later. peace

hey everyone!!! ahh its a good night, or it just may be an illusion but im happy so i dont care. besides the fact that i had to miss the luau... sorry everyone... cause of lifeguarding training, it was good. spend hours in the pool and my face is all cracked and dry and i smell like something that could knock t-shirt stains into last month but thats ok cause its real. let me explain... in english we just read "siddhartha." its a dry book that explains how this indian guy goes through all these thoughts and comes to the conclusion that... aww i forget but thats not the point. the point is, in class we got to write a journal on reality. so while everyone else was scratching their heads with their chewed pencils, i of course just wrote about it... and enjoyed it cause seeeeee thinking is fun!! no really, but it was good to get some stuff out on paper and see what happened. heres about what i came up with, albeight slightly modified since i have subsequently been thinking more since then plus a theory or so of my own...

my explanation of reality (and consequently god): first of all, the physical world is defined as the world we see, feel, hear and smell; the conceptual world is the ideals, the perfect circles, the geometric and theoretical utopia of shape and figure etc.

i agree with sidd that the physical world is shallow but important as well as the conceptual one. a lot of the time, we almost get used to living in our world and sort of take it all for granted. but have you ever just looked around and become aware of space, of time, of matter...? awareness is the ultimate key to understanding everything. you cant just take it for granted that whats there is there and what you hear is actually what you hear. you have to notice it and realize it to yourself so you understand it. to actually realize that you are surrounded by 4 walls (or standing in an open field), to look at them and gauge them and feel them with your mind, to analyze the space from you to the wall, to look at that instead of whats behind it and appreciate that too. (really now, take a look at something across the room from you. now imagine that theres something hanging in the air between you and it. stare at that space, that point in the world and think about it. that space is just as valuble as whats behind it, what you were originally looking at. i know that space is filled with air and such but for now, space is space alright?) to see everyone around you and try to believe that they are real and not just matrix-esque nerve impulses to your brain, to believe in the physical world and the conceptual or afterlife at the same time. (id like to believe that the matrix... from what ive heard anyway, never saw the movie... isnt true, that what we see and hear and smell and taste and feel are actually there and the nerve impulses to our brain are actually triggered by something... you know. if the matrix is true however, i cant believe in anyone but me which is kindof sad for all you but guess what, i dont care. im inclined to be shallow but thoughtful and believe in this world as the truth and think that everything has value because if it doesnt, whats the value of your life anyway?) you can push and poke the wall all day and your finger will likely not go through it. in a lazy sense we know that this is true, shit, its a wall... its what it is, but to realize that its there and not in your imagination is something different. (you have to come to an understanding, and not just a lazy one, that what you see and feel are real, are actually physically there, and that whatever reality we live in, that that is a part of it and belongs there. you know that simply because you cant put your hand through a brick wall. its really that easy. you may say, of course you cant, its a brick wall but that is lazy. it doesnt matter that its a brick wall or any other such wall as long as the matter is there and you cant put your hand through it. its real, its reality. someday this will hit you...) and if you cant believe in the physical world, cant conceptualize space or are able to look past it, God isnt really a question because reality isnt real. (reality cant base itself on nothing, thats why the physical world isnt important. for me to be thinking this, for you to be reading this, reality is real.) sometimes, to be enlightened to the physicality of things can be seeing God because theres no denying some how its creation. if there wasnt a God, it wouldnt be so... physical. (this is all assuming you have grasped the fact that the wall is there because it was created, not by man but by God in the sense that it wouldnt be there without God...) even if there was a big bang somewhere back in time, where did all that matter come from anyway? did it spontaneously generate from empty space? (which we kindof understand is impossible... unless it was created by God) does space exist without being relative to matter? (i like this one. what is space? space is the lack of matter. so would there be any space if there werent matter? no. why? because space is relative to matter. an inch in our world is just relative to two matter-made-things an inch apart. if there were no things, the inch wouldnt be there would it? i mean, whats empty space empty of if nothing exists? would matter exist if there were no space? no. because matter is relative to space too... you see, its like one of my favorite thoughts, "is success really success if you had no chance of losing anyway?" no, success is relative to the chance of failure. so if theres no failure, there is no success. its the same reason no utopia can exist... because there can be no happiness. theres no happiness because happiness is just relative to sadness, of which utopia's are lacking... so you see, its all relative...) all in all, to concieve yourself as "being", to realize that you are thinking and to look at yourself and believe that you are there, where you see yourself, you have to conceptualize and believe in everything physical and space as well as time. (because time is of course relative to motion which we know is part of reality because of physicality) then nothing is really questionable.

another thing i started thinking about when i heard about the matrix was color. what is color exactly? well, color is light reflected by different things that all but absorbed that color. color can be seen clearly when regular earthly white light is broken down by a prism and we see a spectrum... thats right correct? i mean everything ive said has been proven but think, what hasnt been proven? what colors havent we seen? try for a minute, try and imagine a color that youve never seen before. a color that doesnt exist on our spectrum on earth... cant do it can you? thats right because we are used to seeing in white light. everything you see is an effect of white light. now, what if, persay, on other planets somewhere, off other suns there is a different light? maybe there is X light. X light would break up into an entirely different spectrum and everything on planet X would reflect that light. try to imagine it, another world with completely different colors than ours. my guess is that either our eyes couldnt handle it and we would go blind or just not see it because the rods and cones wouldnt percieve it. now its possible that there is X light here too but everything we see absorbs it, after all thats why nothing is really every color at the same time. so its possible really that with another kind of light, we could see other things. maybe there are angels, spirits everywhere that reflect X light. if you could physically comprehend it you would be able to see them. so think about it next time. what arent you seeing? what is white light not showing you? its nice to know theres always another possibility isnt it?

wow its been a while... though, isnt it always this way? im getting lazy so im sorry that i dont write shit cept twice a month but at least i still hear of people reading it so ill keep up the charades... anyway, today was easter, a good day. a good day for christians and a happy day for about everyone (unless youre an iraqi that is). so, like every sunday im here, i went to church. today was different though... easter does something to people. everyone within 30 miles comes to church. all the parents in their suburbans bring all their chocolate-high kids to trash the house of the lord to "get religion" etc. easter also makes people dress in rediculous bright colors. somehow it makes parents believe it really is spring (even though that was a month ago) and that even if its as dead and cold outside like it usually is, that somewhere embarrased brightly colored flowers are blooming and/or crazy fucked up rabbits on weed are laying eggs engraved with funny happy colorful patterns. yes, rabbits on weed laying eggs, it overcomes these parents like a sickness. so of course all the parents go out and buy their children new shoes and dresses for the girls and the unlucky guys. for themselves, or at least for my mom, they would delve deep into their closets, way back to the year 1985 to find such atrocities as hot magenta dresses with little white sweaters to wear over them. or maybe a toned down lethargicly light yellow sundress with little flowers and, of course, egg laying rabbits printed on it. if you were lucky like me, you would attempt to blend into the background of all these flowers and slip past the parental radar in contrasting colors (it makes shapes harder for them to see) like a light yellow-tan plaid shirt, dark green pants with no belt, and brown shoes. if you wear dark earthy tones that conflict and stand perfectly still, sometimes the parents will miss you all together. that is, unless you were stupid enough to wear cologne on a day like this in which case you would be inevitably sniffed out in a matter of seconds, possibly getting lipstick smeared on your crotch in the process as your heavily makeup laden mother runs her nose up your leg to your chin. now, if you manage to get out of the house in such unembarrassing clothes, you are luckier than 93% of american children... yes those be the ones in the egg laying rabbit sundresses. next job, find parking. now like i mentioned before, on a day like this, all the moms in suburbans (which take 2 parking spaces by themselves to negate their gravitational pull towards the assorted geo's and dusters that get sucked into their tailpipes) will be trying to park all willy nilly around the lot. sometimes the only way past this is to cheat. again, i got lucky and scooted the liberty into a special needs spot near the back side entrance to the wing we rarely use. my parents called me a hero. so, once we were sure it was safe to get out of the car, (this was after we were boxed in by minivan on the left, a saturn on the grass in front, a suburban on the right, and about 3 expeditions behind us) we carefully climbed out the sunroof... we didnt have a sunroof before that blimp dropped those large chocolate bunnies over the town... and scampered through the cracks in sheetmetal to the door. what fun. we then got split up so i headed for the sunday school class and my mother and father, armed with a machete, pushed through to theirs with my sister in tow. sunday school was much larger than usual (10 people wow) so i blended in with the couch and almost fell asleep. after that fun time and a half was over i climbed out the window and made my way back out to the liberty for supplies. of course, by then scary little kids with chocolate lined mouths had gone in thru the new sunroof and looted the entire suv of food and water... i perilously and dejectedly climbed back in the building and knocked a couple of them flat to get to the dry water fountain. i then found the bathroom and got in a stall (there were only 3 trying to climb the walls) and almost cried... time for church. when i finally made it there, i was happy to find my dad had valiantly saved me a seat with his machete so i sat down. then of course, those imported chairs arrived and were quickly installed in all the rows and this other scary bald man (he's really a good guy) sat down beside me and started chatting like a choco squirrel. i thought he got fired. anyway, i just sat there with my arms crossed trying to forget everything when we had to sing. now, with all this many people, singing didnt go well. after all, we arent baptists... so after we attempted to read something off the overhead (all the foreigners who flew in from overseas for this messed it up) we just sat and waited to give some money to the church, after all, what else is all the rest of it for? haha just kidding, nobody actually really gives money but it ends up in the bowls anyway, strange. let me tell you though, from my tall vantagepoint, all the colors would either give you a seizure or make you cry and sing halleluja, which we tried... it didnt work. now after the sermon... the long long long sermon (it was about laughing)... (i didnt laugh) we attempted to sing some more and after that we tried the halleluja chorus which of course is beautiful but everyone got lost after 1 of the 400 verses and we just stood there like trained apes with our mouths hanging open and watched our actual choir do a mediocre rendition of it. it wasnt that bad but im sure therve been better done somewhere. well after that, i made it back out to the fresh heavily exhaust fumed air (damn suburbans) and hacked my way through the dusters to our liberty again, which i proceeded to drive over all the smaller cars on our way out the lot. as i drove down the road i glanced back at the nearly averted mele (the building blew up) and did a quick prayer to the lord for this day was truely as amazing as it was supposed to be.

Deep Thoughts #317: Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

i was gonna write about this a few days ago but i never got the chance, ill just put in the original thought transcript from that night...

i was at the hockey game tonight. of course we lost, but not bad this time (only 4-0) go canes yeah yeah yeah... i wasnt really focused on the game, there were some bright spots, a few fights in the rink and one behind us. this woman somehow got hit and fell down into the row behind us, spilling pepsi on me and my leather jacket (thanks a lot, yeah, no) then a fight between 2 guys broke out. once that got separated enough, some old woman with a flashlight and a stop sign came up and reminded them courteously that they were disturbing the peace... they didnt really care and kept on. then some security dudes with guns came in and broke it up, taking them away. my dad and i were sitting on the concrete ledge just observing it all, it was more interesting than the game anyway. a little later one of the guys came back and said something like "see i told you it was his fault, bastard..." i dont really remember. other than that there was only 1 interesting point, the point which i came to tell about. there was this guy sitting next to me. he must have been in college or something, i couldnt really tell. he came with this older guy, maybe 40 or something who he talked to the whole time. when i say talked to the whole time, i dont mean he was the only guy he talked to, but that he talked the entire game. he was incessant, a chat box, a machine. he commenced to explain his entire life to this man, he wasnt related to him, i dont know exactly what they were doing there but he got a lot of ear. the thing was, being more interesting than the game, i listened to the guy. at first it was a little annoying but after a while i realized this was a pretty cool guy. he told of his classes in school, some of his philosophies, the type of music he played, his band, what he listened to... i just sat there staring at the ice but paying attention to the guy's every word. the other man didnt say much, just listened. he would interject every now and then but it was nothing special. the boy would tell about what i thought was college, his friends, some trip they'd been on and how one of his friends had talked to his girlfriend for hours (at the beginning he said the dude was whipped but at the end it got all weepy etc.) and how funny that was, playing pranks on people that trip... it was all amazing stuff, just to hear about this random guy's experiences, what his life was like. he told the man about his family, how his father got bad vision in one eye and trained himself to see out of the other so that when he got surgery and could see again he couldnt see shit, how his brother went too fast around a curve and ran off the road killing another girl and injuring him, all about the legal battle that ensued and how the other girl's dad wanted revenge, he told of his grandmother and her untimely death, how he had a dream about her telling him about his life and then a forcefield coming out of her forehead and then her falling down dead. this guy had so many experiences it was amazing, so much to say about life. he told of religion, his beliefs on enjoying it, parables and stories he'd heard, of his friend who was into meditation and how smooth he was with everything. literally, this college kid poured out his life to the man beside him and unknowlingly... me. i listened to it all, enthralled at some points and saddened at others, it was intoxicating. this got me to thinking of his life and mine. i was thinking, this guy has had an amazing life, all these things that have happened, all he's thought about, all he has done. i know he wont remember me, i didnt say anything to him but i wanted to. basically this all boiled up to one amazing point for me. that for both of us, all of our lives from the moment we were born, have built up to that one moment, those few hours right there in the rbc... all his adventures, family matters, philosophies... all that brought him here to the rbc sitting next to me. all my life took me here in the upper deck. both of us had our paths, his starting a few years earlier than mine, had gone all over the country, done innumberable things and had innumberable thoughts, all that suddenly intersected and here i was sitting 3 inches from this guy. in knew all about him and me and here we were. i didnt say anything to him, im not sure if it would have even impressed him any but it might have, that our paths had decided to cross right here and here we were. he wouldnt care that after the game we would leave and i would never see him again, never hear about the rest of his life. he would never hear about mine either so i guess i won in this situation. either way, im not gonna forget that night with that kid for a long time.