im not the kind of person to get claustrophobic but i can get at what they're feeling. i will just be sitting in class and stare at a wall. sometimes i will realize that its a wall im staring at instead of just the wall im staring at. if that happens i can look around, look at the other walls, the ceilings, everything in the room. i realize that im not sittin in the school or the city or on the world, im in a box. none of the windows are open, that door there is way too small. im aware of the size of the box, its not really that big but all these kids are crammed in here and none are worried. just think what good friends and mortal enemies we would become if our exits were sealed and we were forced to be roommates till it all ended. just by coincidence we would all bond together and survive, whoever is in the room. but thats just if the walls close in that much, i can see them and they can feel me. kindof clogs your breathing, those 6 walls that hold the box together, hold you in. clogs your mind because from then on, wherever you look you see a wall. an unmoving obstinant wall to suppress you until you are nothing. besides that i was thinking of whats next, theres a project in gopo, project in band, papers to do, shit to think about... there is always something of these in life. something to do next, something to worry about, a deadline to fill. after a while you get used to it, store all it in the back of your mind until you need to scrape it off the underside of your lunch table to use it again. then you do it and get assigned something else. its all a cycle, store, work, recieve, store again... its life. since most of this is school related i usually cant wait till summer, seeing as then i at least have a few months with nothing on my mind, that is, unless its worrying about school starting again. we just read all quiet on the western front, pretty grisly and all but still a good book. i was left thinking, you know, they dont worry about anything out there on the battlegrounds. tomorrow doesnt register, its now. everything, life, death, its all now. you are all that exists. i was thinking, besides the fact that its a life and death situation, thats wonderful. not thinking about tomorrow or something coming up or future responsibilities. i mean, every now and then it feels good to plan stuff out, to secure your goals and make the most of them. but sometimes youre so wasted that you want to just sleep and not worry about whats gonna happen when you wake up. its just nothing, nothing at all. nothing isnt nothing nothing's something thats important to me. having that nothing ahead of you is wonderful, its freedom, its bliss. having that nothing is the most important thing to worry about sometimes. just relax and let life do what it may. everyone's a little nothing but thats ok, thats how its supposed to be. you have to keep a part of yourself outside the grind to live. im a believer that once you get sucked in its hard to find a way out. im not opposed to always having something to do all the time, people are like that. some of my best friends are always making their next plans... some nights though you have to let it go. lay down on the floor for once, sing to yourself, make angels in the dust, appreciate the quiet, fall asleep without a bed... its endless the possibilities. so, ive got a lot to look forward to right? i mean, theres a life ahead of me... what am i waiting for?

im not in the greatest of moods tonite, forgive me, but on top of all this water just started leaking on my head...
mr rogers died yesterday. its odd how i never appreciated him before. and maybe im just depressed but i was thinking about it. when i was a little kid i used to watch his show, like many other little kids. i never liked it much but i was kindof forced into watching it. o well, it wasnt that bad. i always thought it was a little wierd how he had that little train. it was like a pet to him. it would always come when he wanted, left too, tooted a horn or something... i think it was blue. sometimes i expected it to bark at him or something. he loved that train... he had those fish though, they didnt do much, but he would feed them and remind us not to feed them too much. the guy was odd though, he never watched tv and wore a red vest everyday. he took off his shoes when he came into the house and sang a song. (what a wonderful day in the neighborhood or something, brings back memories) he would walk through a tunnel into an imaginary world with puppets. the puppets had strange voices and lived in odd places. they always had their own little dramas. someone stole a cookie (oh my) he would always run to 'king friday' or something. i think there was a real lady that worked there too but im not sure. there was a castle, a tree, an odd carosel type thing and this structure that reminded me of the lincoln monument or that baseball stadium thats by a river somewhere, i think someone lived in a block of cheese. ahh i dont remember. he had a garage but no car. a closet full of the same jackets. he would walk around his neighborhood and not worry about thugs or nothing. i dont even remember kids living there. he had unlimited access to the behind the scenes works of all the public places. all the disgruntled workers would give him a smile and some free stuff. he dressed up to go work in the garden. i dont remember more, its sad really. even memories like this, childhood nothings sparked by an eveny many wouldnt even consider news... it means something, i would hate to forget what i have already forgotten. you dont want to lose these pictures of yesteryear, these single views into what you were. even if youre embarrased to talk about them, they're still there, even if you tried to forget it, its not leaving... its only when youve forgotten that you regret it. mr rogers was a minister. he died of stomach cancer. ill remember him from the pbs program but a helluva lot of people wont. to them he was a regular person, a friend, family perhaps. mr rogers will have a funeral in a couple of days. people will cry and his corpse will be dropped into the ground. he wont sing anymore, those puppets will be put away forever, maybe trashed. never thought something this tiny could actually mean something did you? dont ever think that. every event has a story. every face in the obituaries had a life. my mother always reads them, i never understood why. i even laughed at a few of the names. there were people that loved every one of them. remember that next time you pick up a paper or see another suicide bomber on the news, it could be you people cry about someday soon.

i was thinking today... and we all know what that can lead to... and i came across an interesting idea/concept. its the "i was never like that point of view theory." it goes like this: you look at younger kids doing stupid things and you say you never were like that... but thats the thing, you were, you just never realized it. its much easier to view ourselves as the older wiser one and make assumptions about the younger ones. well the truth is, theres someone watching you too, saying to same thing to themselves. what you do yourself is automatically cool because its what youre peers do. if (and i will just use freshmen to specify younger ones) the freshmen do something different, its uncool and something you would never have done. you never judge yourself like you do others. the point to my concept is that theres always someone looking over your shoulder. we all learn things at different times. i can look back on younger kids having their girlfriends and boyfriends and seeing themselves as the coolest kids they know. i can laugh at that now because of the pure superficiality of it all. i know though that theres a married couple behind me laughing at my every move... back in 8th grade i would sit across the gym and watch the 6th graders acting stupid. they wore the wrong clothes, did the wrong things, said the wrong things. i was never like that... well now i look at 8th graders and wonder the same things. look at it from an outside perspective though. imagine it as a line of people, each of them looking at someone younger and each wondering why the other one does what they do. then imagine one enlightened person suddenly breaking the cycle and looking all around him for once, he looks forwards and realizes that the stupid kid he's looking at is staring at another stupid kid. he looks behind him and sees laughter in the eyes of an older kid staring him down. he looks farther back and someone else is laughing at him... it continues up through the ages until you make it to the oldest man on earth. he is the king, he has no one to judge him (on earth that is), nobody can look down on him, he can just laugh. if you take anything from this, its to take a look at yourself everynow and then instead of judging someone else. you could go through life completely oblivious, many people do. you dont have to care, im not making you. but if you want to truely know people, jump outside the box, step back from the game, take a look at your compadres and yourself and laugh, because theres always someone doing the same. peace out you guys...

hmm today was fun, if youve seen the weather lately you will notice that most of central nc had another ice storm. this is not like a snowstorm... much different. insted of 2" of fluffy white wimpy sledless snow, we had literally 2" of nice hard slick ice, everywhere. even i (at a measly 135) can still sled it and it not break and plow thru like snow would. if you have a death wish, this stuff is the most fun you could ask for, if not, i would advise staying indoors for a while. so anyway i broke out the arsenal, a yellow saucer and a good old wood and metal steerable flexible flyer. ::one of my friends just didnt know who "freebird" was by... damn yankees:: anyway, its slick and fast and a helluva lot of fun assuming you dont get hurt. unless you want to get hurt, in which case it is a wonderful opportunity to get hurt as well as have fun, its a win-win for you my friend. its great for me though, my yard is layed out like this: theres the house in the middle, to the left of the house is a fairly steep hill, going past my house is a not as steep but longer hill ending in many trees and a creek. behind the house, the hill continues (it goes front to back) along to the back right corner. all along the top is trees and creek. this is where the sledding comes to an end. the entire top right quadrant is fenced in. the front yard gently slopes to the right. most sledding is done from the left bottom to the left-right top. ok so the first run of the day, im on my back on the saucer like i spend most of my time. my dad has a wonderful idea, he will grab my leg and throw me at speed down the hill. im thinking, ok, this could be fun. well he throws me and 30 feet later i promptly smack a tree. i narrowly miss puncturing my hand on the tree, its just a bruise. so, ok this is fun. there were more runs during the day but i will just go through the interesting ones. next good run im in the saucer again going backwards down the hill. i manage to spin myself around to see where im going and guess what, im about to crash into this 6" tree. well bring it on, im 135 lbs of man in a flying saucer i can take you. but the tree decides not to move. i cover my face and roll up some. its more of a glancing blow, to the side so im still going. as i slide past the tree i try to wrap my right leg around it because i kinda dont want to keep going. well my leg slips off the tree and i start sliding again. bad idea. i slid another 2 feet and dropped. dropped 3 feet off a cliff and into some more ice but i was stopped by some thickets before i went into the freezing cold creek. that one didnt hurt that much, more fun than anything, i need to try it more often... actually i did, on purpose but its ok because i didnt get hurt again. the next one was a little more painful. this time i went near the same place also on the saucer. i turned and looked and was headed for one of our dogwoods. dogwoods arent very tall trees but they have long swooping branches that go all the way down to the ground. im staring these branches down until i realize that i might better cover up before long. so i roll up with my back to the tree and go under the branches. im thinkin, wow, that was easy. that is... until crunch. crunch is the noise my back made as it slammed directly into the tree behind the dogwood. another 6-8 incher but this one smacked me center and at a good speed. talk about your deceleration whoo ive been there. the tree held its ground. so anyway, imagine being popped across the back just below your shoulderblades with a tree, not a very cool experience. so i lay there for a minute checking to see if my fingers and toes still work, they do, and i finally get up and walk away from this car crash baby. the last big bang of the first session was on the last run. i start up at the top of the hill on the flyer this time. race down like a damn indy car, streamlined with my head down and my legs straight out. i start out slow down the hill but gain speed, turn between 2 trees and a foot from a horseshoe pit i fly. right so i can go down by the fence and run beside it. i go down there to the right of another tree and close to the fence, haaard left almost scraping the fence but dont, i swerve off left though and lose control. some lite thickets 15 feet from the fence provide stoppage. this wouldnt have been such an exciting run if it were not what could have happened. you see, this is near the creek. the thing is, 4 feet beyond where i stopped, there is another cliff. this one falls directly into the shallow creek and rocky area. this cliff is 10 feet high. if i hadnt hit the creek or the rocks i would have run smack into the ledge on the other side, neither fun flying at speed on a sled. i could have died. the other thing is, 2 feet to my right there are no thickets, just an uninhibited leap off the cliff and into oblivion. thats all for then, i come in and rest myself but go out again later. this afternoon's session isnt as bad as the morning one although i hurt some too. its much more of the same, going off the small cliff and stuff, making long runs past the 10 foot ledge and 20 feet into deep thickets another 50 past the creek (fun stuff) which makes the longest runs of the day. i also went down the front yard to the right of the house past the fence on the other side and a smaller creek to my right there without incident. the only thing was that this whole time i wore no gloves so all the ice and rolling off the sled (on high speed turns, quite fun) cut my hands over and over so there was a little loss of blood but not much... o well thats all for now, tomorrow is another free day so maybe i will have some more grisly details to report, maybe not... peace out

hmm today was fun, if youve seen the weather lately you will notice that most of central nc had another ice storm. this is not like a snowstorm... much different. insted of 2" of fluffy white wimpy sledless snow, we had literally 2" of nice hard slick ice, everywhere. even i (at a measly 135) can still sled it and it not break and plow thru like snow would. if you have a death wish, this stuff is the most fun you could ask for, if not, i would advise staying indoors for a while. so anyway i broke out the arsenal, a yellow saucer and a good old wood and metal steerable flexible flyer. ::one of my friends just didnt know who "freebird" was by... damn yankees:: anyway, its slick and fast and a helluva lot of fun assuming you dont get hurt. unless you want to get hurt, in which case it is a wonderful opportunity to get hurt as well as have fun, its a win-win for you my friend. its great for me though, my yard is layed out like this: theres the house in the middle, to the left of the house is a fairly steep hill, going past my house is a not as steep but longer hill ending in many trees and a creek. behind the house, the hill continues (it goes front to back) along to the back right corner. all along the top is trees and creek. this is where the sledding comes to an end. the entire top right quadrant is fenced in. the front yard gently slopes to the right. most sledding is done from the left bottom to the left-right top. ok so the first run of the day, im on my back on the saucer like i spend most of my time. my dad has a wonderful idea, he will grab my leg and throw me at speed down the hill. im thinking, ok, this could be fun. well he throws me and 30 feet later i promptly smack a tree. i narrowly miss puncturing my hand on the tree, its just a bruise.

two more things ive noticed lately that i actually remembered to write about. one: ever had a staring contest with a dog? very amusing... if you do it right it can create a horribly uncomfortable and akward situation... for the dog. you really have to set it up right. now first, it has to be a dog. staring contests with birds always end up ugly, usually with the bird's beak in your cornea, its also just too damn hard to look at one small eye when it keeps cocking its head to use the other one. also never never never use a cat. first, they dont give a shit what you look like. cats have their own little agenda, they have much better things to lick and stalk than youre ugly fucking face. ::15 minutes later:: i fucking hate it, that bitch knocked me off the comp again.... anyway, back to the contests. dont try it with a cat, they will hurt you. you will look at them, they will look away, you will stare harder, they will leave quad 6" swaths of pain across your face, trust me, dont stare at a cat. and with dogs you have to choose your targets. usually old dogs dont care unless they're real mellow and friendly and young dogs are too often distracted for it to work. once you find the right dog tho, its great. start off about 10 feet away from the dog. get its attention or just wait till it looks at you. make good hard eye contact so it keeps it, but dont speak or move at all for fear it will walk over and shove its nose in your crotch. o yes, do wear a cup when dog staring contest-ing, it does help. anyway, once you have it locked, keep it that way. look at one eye and dont switch. do not move or speak. you will notice the dog going through stages of awareness and nakedness thats pretty damn funny. first of all the dog will be comfortable, wagging its tail etc... once you show it youre the boss though, it will get more intense. the tail will get slower and slower till it rests on the floor and the dog will be entranced staring at you. do not stop now, it gets better. assuming you dont speak or move, the dog will soon become shifty and look away every now and then. suddenly it cant keep eye contact anymore. ok, stare harder, make that dog uncomfortable. once he cant even look at you anymore, the dog will either roll over and play dead (assuming you were scary enough) or just piss on itself which is all too funny unless you have to clean it up... now remember, one more time, to NOT under any circumstances try this with a cat or you WILL get a free tattoo smack on your le visage (face) for your friends to laugh at you, you moron...

one more thing i thought about, it deals with vision. not normal vision but special vision. im speaking of the underrated art of seeing out of the corner of your eye. you can see things you never saw before, things you would never see normally. theres always that reflection there in the corner of oblivion that somehow reaches you in time to let you notice or warn you of anything at all. bordering on premonition, you can see things you werent meant to, be granted that one instant of warning before the lightning strikes... its magical, really... so use it while you can, dont take sight for granted but dont always use it for obvious purposes, trust me...

i keep thinking about stuff to write about but i always forget whenever it comes time to write. on my mind right now are those little necco sweethearts candy hearts things everyone gives at valentines day. another testament that the world is going crazy. i went along with stuff like m&m's getting blue and now purple colors, new tv shows parodying old ones, the braves killing their rotation etc... but now its gone from sad to moronic. first of all, the original ones taste pretty bad to me, ive never enjoyed them. actually theres a new tangy fruitish flavor today that isnt bad. but aside from that, what really pisses me off is the little sayings on the hearts. the old ones were classics, be mine, sweetie, love you... stuff like that. its not like they've stopped applying to people. now they've actually changed a bunch of the messages to try to fit into the times. its rediculous. all of the new ones are incredibly stupid and i wouldnt be surprised if anyone that received one punched their valentine in the throat. for example, ive seen hearts that read: "hey man", "fax me" (who the hell uses fax machines??), "www.love.com"... they've tried 3 different variations on love that ive seen: "true love", "real love", and "sure love" and there are probably more. im pretty sure they're even promoting wholesome activities such as academics with new arousing phrases including "book club" and "lets read!"... its sad. what was wrong with cutie or my girl? why do we need "go girl", "awe-some", or even the always audacious "marry me!". oh, hehe "ur kind" but "get real". what the fuck?? if necco ever wants to try anything "tres chic" (very stylish) again, necco needs to eat another "wise up" (literally) before they fuck it up like this.

whooa, its been a while eh? anyway here are some random happenings in mah life... i was in target a few days ago and 2 people actually spoke to me. one was this guy i knew from 8th grade but havent seen in years. he's like 6-5 now with a bari voice that scared the shit out of me when he walked up behind me... i felt tiny. then this other guy walks by. i didnt know him from anywhere. he was like 40 and just said hey how you doing. and i was like, yeah fine thanks. so he walks off. made me feel good but later kinda creeped me out, dont know why. i just heard too that i had another friend in there who saw me but hid from me?!?!?! why?? i wouldnt bite... well, in her case it might have been different but o well whats the problem? also yeah sweet today's my birthday. gotta love it. i got my license this morning and all. it was crazy... one of my friends **cough cough** said it was only gonna take 10 minutes or so. well i get in there and of course theres a line and shit so i wait and wait and finally they let me up. so i just turn in the paperwork and then wait some more... tick tock tick tock... until i get to go drive. the lady is finally finished so we go out to the mad crazy volvo and she's like well first ill check your brake lights and then we can get some heat on, right? so ive already flipped on her seat heater... she appreciated that so i didnt have to do a u-turn or parallel park... haha. and the rest went fine, cept i got busted a few times for not having both hands on the wheel... like you really need that anyway. well anyway i still passed and got my license, the only thing is, i looked stoned in the picture. o well like anyone will care. its like one eye is half closed and i'm looking down, screw it. school was good, there was a refreshing lack of singin but i appreciated the card. thanks dk... aaand we went out to eat tonite @ copelands, great place gotta love the gumbo. their bathrooms are awesome. they've got this paper towel dispenser in the bathroom that automatically dispenses towels when you wave your hand in front of it. completely pointless but totally awesome yeah!!! my mom was in a really random and embarrassing mood tonite but it didnt shake me. sigh, she wanted me to take a picture with the waitress on my 16th birthday dinner... so i did. im sure it freaked out the waitress more than me but its all good, she was hot... haha. so its been a good day. got some music, looking forward to some more and life rocks. ill get back to you with more later, peace!

yeeeah i got a cell phone today!!! its sweet.. a motorola v-60, little silver flip up one. bells and whistles, hell yeah... cept you have to pay for most of them. the best part tho is not unlimited, but 3000 night and weekend minutes. that may not sound like much but it figures to about an hour and 40 minutes a night. my dad goes, "now during the day you dont have many minutes so dont go willy-nilly with your calls." me, "but, after 9?'' dad, "yeah go willy-nilly all you want." me, "is that 3000 minutes a month per phone or per plan?" sales dude, "per phone." me, "sweeet i am willy the nilly!! ahahaha" or something... it was great but i guess you had to be there. sigh... no voice mail, caller id, 3 way calls, forwarding or any of that shit... even though the phone can handle it. but voice activated dialing rocks!! not that ill ever use it but in the car where im not supposed to use it anyway but its still cool... "call home... riiing rinng ahahaha." yes im a little excitied. so what??