{nevermind... fuck it}

she said i love the way you think but i hate the way you act

i know the time isnt right and thats fine. i just want to apologize for the way i am. lord knows i treat you differently than everyone else and, when i think about it, that probably isnt a good thing. you get most of my concern while everybody else gets the more friendly version. its hard to tell who i really am but i can tell you, you dont deserve it. well, maybe you do, sometimes. still, i react badly and, without knowing it, think of myself first. there is no excuse for that. what ive always said i wanted is to be wonderful friends with you but if that was the case i would certainly consider you first. you know i only want the best for you.

the thing is, there is still a part of me that wants to be with you and there always seems to be a stream of things that happen to prevent or complicate that... and that's my problem. the first thing that comes to mind should be you and not me. i say that the only reason it bothers me so much is that i care so damn much about you but if i really cared about you and not my own, our, future, i would consider you first. and i will.

you see, as much as we fight and hurt each other, as much as we carry on, you are a big piece of me. as much as i draw away and think i want less from us, i cant imagine life without you. i cant imagine who i would be had you not been there these past years.

im going to be better, ok? i want you to know i am still myself, deep down. im still the kid you shared music with at lunchtime and drew on your notebooks with my right hand. it seems backwards that im explaining myself to you, but, looking back on how ive acted, strangely appropriate. i will always believe i love you more and always wish to death i was with you to take care of you when you're sick. ill always pray for god to protect you from boat racks and staplers, and always think of you when i hear certain songs.

its been almost a year and a half since ive seen you and i dont know when or if i will again but thats ok. i just need you in my life. and im going to try and be a friend, try and be as much a blessing to you as you are to me.


I try to stay here
But all I did was bring you down
You pulled away
Just look at me now
If I could change
I'd tear this twisted frame in two
I'd bend my life for you
For you

je t'aime saffron, im sorry

the importance of being

aside from the questions of god, of why and why not, of lonliness, of mortality, and of the end of consciousness {which seem to flood my head lately}, there is a tendon in my leg that hurts.

this miniscule slice of life entraps my consciousness because, while i am awake, downstairs at night, under the lights of the television and christmas tree, not much else is real. this little tendon, on the outside of my right leg, near the knee, burns. it tenses, is everpresent. not painful, but there.

and im glad its there. its like a friend, not angry but a reminder that im awake. it contributes to a kind of total masochist lifestyle. at the same time, i lift weights. tightening, tensing, burning. hurt to live. i starve myself regularly. when i get frustrated with the world, with being awake... just stop eating. i can go for a day without eating and not be hungry, not feel sick, just lighter. and it doesnt botherme, just makes it hard to start again. in fact, i think ive dropped back below 140 lbs. again. meh, whatever.

i used to whip my arms with guitar strings i was replacing. it was nothing permanent, would just sting for a second and leave a large red ribbon across and around the bottom of the forearm. just disappear in time. every now and then, when my foot decides to cramp up, i will throw my head back, clench my teeth and smile. just let itself work its troubles out. so what if it feels like my arch is eating itself, its only temporary. and, well, thats not all but its all i feel like talking about.

thats not even touching on the emotional masochism that i seem to adore. i doubt i do, but i probably unconsciously put myself in these situations. maybe i just love to be hurt. ive convinced myself that i really dont but who the hell really knows?

i wrote a fairly pretty song this afternoon. nothing special, just chords and a little stuff. maybe someday i will write some fairly pretty words to go along with it, somehow i doubt it.

at least im still here. seems like people need reminding of that every now and then.

there will be a light

this is not going to be happy


i thought, a couple weeks ago, that i should write about how i was on a roll. how things were wonderful, how i had supreme confidence in myself, that if anyone took the time to get to know me, they would love me for the kind of human being i am. im not too ugly, have wonderful friends, and am, for the most part, included. all this is so much better than ive had before. its encouraging to feel, that even if you dont have anyone, you could. that if people knew the real you, they would find everything to love.

but... it never lasts too long. the tangible things of my life are lovely, blessed even. i go to an amazing school, i dont have any family troubles, we arent poor, nobody is sick, i am at home, its christmastime. im capable, im talented, and there isnt much at all i couldnt do if i tried. and i know damn well how lucky i am to have all this. but what matters to me are the intangibles. getting along with yourself, fucking functioning... and most of all, love. and i cant have any of it.

i usually describe my love life as a greek tragedy. in short, my life was shaped by certain people that i cared dearly for {and for good reason}, and the way these relationships have turned out, the paths they have taken, has taught me more than i knew was there to learn. they have also seemed to fuck my state of being up to no end. i have a supreme ability to care for people, to love. it kills me when the people i am close to {who usually live far away} are hurting or need someone and i cant be there for them. but whomever i get close to will hurt me again and again. since i have known love firsthand, it is hard for me to accept much less. superficial highschool relationships, i have come to learn, are there for a reason. not just to make kids hate each other for no reason, but to teach you how to function with those of the opposite sex. turns out i have no idea how to be in a relationship since those i have known have been so fucking weird.

i dont understand how to have a real girlfriend, only how it feels to understand someone so well, to know someone inside out {or to think you do}, how astounding it is when someone you care about that much actively loves you back. i dont know many people that i can believe have known that. quite seperately, i know how wonderful it is to have someone you can spend time with, you can talk to, you can know like that and more. someone you can sit and not have to talk, someone you can insult without feeling remorse, someone who knows your troubles and treats them as their own. and i dont consider them dates, the things we did, cause it never felt like it. i only want them to be like that, i want to have someone i dont have to go through the motions with because you dont have to, when you are friends like that. thats all a good relationship should be anyway, best friends.

the practical measures elude me. what i want, and it may be too much to ask, is for someone to get to know me and fall in love with me. someone i can feel the same way about. i dont want or need formalities, i want a connection. and maybe thats the problem. these days, i assume i am golden, that if people understood the human being i am that they would find good reason to want me around. its that assumption that keeps me looking up, since you cant be too hard on yourself if you cant fault yourself. things might just be playing out the way they are supposed to. im not that great, not that talented, funny, smart, or lovable. i just dont know it yet. i continue to hold on to those i lost a long time ago, though against my will. i cant help but care and cant help but be burned by it. i cant change things for myself and cant seem to find anyone who is willing to take the lead for me, the emotional gimp that i am.

and if im not all that great then its just a facade. and everything really is just that fucked up. my mental state {i have tics, lots of them}, my emotional state, everything behind my eyes... just functions a little differently than everyone else.

and cant i even have jesus? i listen to the most inspiring music sometimes. and i want to believe it but it is so hard. when will there be a light, really? i havent been to church in months. i dont like for it to feel like a cult. some people love a congregational mentality, like a family. lately, i have been much the opposite. i pray every night. i pray for my family and friends and myself and for someone, eventually, to complete me. i pray that i am as good to everyone else as they are to me, because it would be just as much a crime as anything if i were to find my soulmate but i wasnt theirs. i just dont feel the light. there are people in my home church that sing on stage, that close their eyes as they mouth the syllables. people that open their palms skyward and lean back and take in rays of heavenly sun that only they can see. maybe its just invisible to me. i dont feel it in me. i dont know what people feel when they get like that. i believe in God, i swear i do. i try and be a decent human being and to follow the commandments. i dont read the bible but i know whats in it. i pray for my sins to be absolved and that i dont commit them to begin with. im a good person. but i dont feel it.

i hope i do someday. someday soon. because if i cant have anyone on earth, i at least want someone above. i want something to click inside me and i want to feel the warmth of the love of God in my belly. i want a supreme confidence that everything will be ok because that is what i believe is there for some people. i just dont know why it isnt me.

why isnt it me?

blech

kickass headache... dont get these often. and nothing changes but somedays i am ok with it. there are positives. the hurricanes kicked chicago ass tonight. glad i went to the game... vintage canes for this year. down two quick and scored five straight. lovely. before the game i went out to the concessions stand to buy a coke for my headache. i asked for a "small coke" but the old woman rang up a small beer and the young guy beside her started pouring it. i am eighteen and look nothing like a twenty-one year old and i paused because there is an inherent moral dilemma here. how often to people offer you alcohol when you are quite underaged? this would be fun, except that i was at the game with my mother and she wouldnt be too pleased to find me coming back with a "small bud". so i quickly corrected them and came away with my coke. seeing as how im such the alcoholic anyway, i figure it was a good idea. so even though wake sucked big time, tonight hasnt been a waste. i still have wonderful friends. after uploading around ten new cd's, i realized i have an entire day's worth of dave matthews on my laptop. that makes me happy. oh, and walmart still sucks. i hate them anyway, simply because they're evil. when i walked in today i couldnt get the lady's attention to find out how much was on my giftcard. she couldnt figure out how to do it and didnt care. also, walmart has the shittiest collection of music i have ever seen. i ended up getting two things i might have just stolen anyway. i gave my change to the salvation army bellringer outside when i left. think i was more depressed afterwards though cause i only gave him 21 cents. seems like more of a bastard than if i hadnt donated. oh well. i still hate walmart.

and i need to write. i love it, i just dont do it as much as i should. i didnt even say anything tonight, like i love to think i do. guess you cant do it all the time. shouldnt be the prevalent attitude though. i love all my friends and hope to see you soon. as for now i guess i will go sneak my family's christmas gift out of the truck and sneak a look at it in my room, maybe lift weights some {till my head bursts anyway} and see what else rolls around. peace and love.

dont know what to do

my stomach hurts

it hurt when jordan left. i dont think the two are related, or at least i dont want to think they are. its not her. her face doesnt hang around like a pleasant ghost behind my eyes when i hear a special song. she doesnt feel like that.

and the people that mean the absolute goddamned most to me, i havent seen in months {years}. i dont know what to do.




youre beautiful

the famous, the infamous...

its what you have been waiting for, even if you had no idea. class ended last friday and finally they are compiled. here, in living black and white, the famous, the infamous... king sanders quotes... {hooray!}

you dont perform journalism; you commit it


personally, i dont think money should be given to methodists. i mean, who needs the methodists? presbyterians are ok...


you dont have to sing praise jesus to get a bowl of soup. i used to hate it.


when you consider giving money to methodists... eww, yucky, i wouldnt do that.


i graduated from high school in 1958... which is also when they invended the wheel


and i thought thomas jefferson hung the moon


he might just have lied to you, deceived you, mislead you... its what i'd do


sorry im late, i went to the wrong classroom


does michael jackson have the right to own a gun?


do you want me to wait to argue with you? ~ some kid


at wake forest they say that if you slow down they'll give you a parking ticket


i wrote once that half the judges on the southern bench wore black robes by day and white robes by night... i got a couple letters for that one


if you were smart, you would have picked it up


or i may drop your grade twenty points cause i dont feel good


old american values like killing people and breaking things


you dont have to be right... this man has already dhown his sublime ignorance of the bill of rights


judge bork, i asked him what social conservatism was once. he said it as a dry martini


you have four final exams? then you have two choices: suicide or a prayer meeting... or you could choose options of execution...


i think its dangerous... and so does george clooney... so there.


being poor is against the law... as well it should be


they press a button and the claws drop the egg into the bucket and cyanide gas wafts up and ruins the guys day


did you run into osama bin laden in that cave youve been in?


you got a wussy boxer? ~ some kid


if youre happy about the 10th amendment, im happy about the 10th amendment... so we wont repeal it


when OJ was aquitted, the headline was "the juice is loose"


what was in Pandora's Box? a lot of penumbras...


judge "scalito". nope, its a person. its a mythical person. its a metaphor. its a penumbra.


it is a nickname so it is a person. nina nina.


pinko communist institutions like the united nations... or the supreme court...