life is difficult
with a sunburned back
two traumatically bitter arms
and no confidence
when hesitation and reluctance
flood your brain
drown out instinct
force the issue too long
lonliness and angst
shouldnt be normality
but are made less defnined
by sustained reality
stomach sickness and aches
close the floodgates for energy
make it unbecoming
to write it down or out or in
love/hate is such a pretty thing
i despise it so
the slash needs to go
erase in one direction
thats enough for me dear
i can always see you
in frames, in dreams
at the bitter end
not helping the confidence issue
reading the last page first
tends to hinder learning experiences
yet quicken the pain
with that the ride as well
im so tired but really intent
cant let that get in my way
anti-intent state of mind
cant stop growing old can i
always left it as an option
run away and hide in denial
self-gratification was never rational
ah, iminent hurt is so confining
and releasing in oppositeville
really, without anxiety
are there any real limits?
like it really matters
strength like that isnt often found
by me or many noodles for that matter
the moon will still shine
the kid lives or dies
not my fault either way
just appears that way, im sorry
your confidence is busted
like mine isnt trusted
locked away for proof of life
i never really wanted to prove it
just dont make me prove it
ill always think too much...
if you were to fall and i, there
would i stoop to your aid
or, perhaps, consider the situation
and act on the reactions of others?
like a song youve heard once before
but know a million times
cant really stop it once youve heard it
so dont even try
life will pass you by
before you will find proof of life
of a soul or a love
or the man up above
life will pass you by honey
why worry about valuable singularity
when the masses starve
that kid was too damn lucky
got to eat every day so why
why should he get his ass pulled
snatched from harm to eat more
steal more, take more
his life saved... a hundred lost
if misery is a butterfly...
i dont really understand it either
misery is my cocoon
i built it and am trapped in it
one day ill find a way out
butterfly away in glee
because people dont use glee enough
love burns inside me
love just leaves you bruised
lines mean nothing when love is...
so indeterminable
false and hard to see
slight and caked in undesired traits
absence comes to mind
doesnt make the heart grow fonder
makes the mind go weaker
though supposedly stronger at its end
ill find out soon enough i guess
report it back to the associated press
love isnt good for much
until its past and is a crutch
excuse for future at-bats
cash it in for freebies
puppy eyes from the amputee
it aint worth it to me
aint worth it to me
aint worth it to me
aint worth it to me

goodnight loves

fuck you. i fucking hate you. you deserve to die. or shot repeatedly until you are unrecognizable. what is this shit? why do you think you can fucking ignore me for days on end and then come by just to say goodbye all over again? like im not going to be bitter. please. i deserve to be fucking bitter. i am the essence of bitter. im bitter's daddy. you arent worth it. im not even sure why i try. night after night i try to cope with the fact that you arent there. we arent even friends. even when you are, should you choose to speak its short, its tired, its pained. well fuck off. i dont need this shit right now. i didnt need it ever. i wont need it tomorrow. and what to do? fuck if i know. cant live like this. this unbearable association that simultaneously makes me worthwhile while draining me of all my good vibrations. this isnt healthy. its not, it hurts. and its all your fucking fault. fuck you. none of this is me, none of it. its all on you baby. just because you dont give a shit doesnt mean i dont. it doesnt mean i wont tomorrow but that same interest hurts me like it doesnt hurt you. ive tried, ive been there, ive listened. youve left and been conspicuously absent. what does all this culminate to? im bitter, filled with hate, and violent. this is not good for me. you just dont care. and i wont do anything about it because im too weak, too used to it already. nothing worthwhile here is plausible so what do i do? just stay. just wait. sit here doing the same fucking thing ive been doing for years. im so damn tired of this disgusting situation. its on your shoulders now dear. you deal with it. ill sit here and suffer until youre done. keep on calling me names. fuck off.

this time of year is good for one thing. yearbooks... i never think about it or worry about it but it really is good to see what people write about you in yours. i mean shit, even if it is just regular yearbook crap, they still wrote it. maybe to look back on years later or maybe not. i was sitting down in class today reading them and started feeling a tiny bit emotional. somebody (and you know who you are) even brought tears to my eyes. i dont apologize for that, its good to have something meaningful happen every now and then. thanks yall.

and another thing. i was just yonder watching jeepers creepers for the second time and it occurred to me: when they brought the movie to television (or perhaps the original, i forget) why do they allow language like 'jesus christ!' or even (god forbid) 'goddamn!' but have the courtesy to bleep out 'shit' and 'fuck'? doesnt make much sense to me. seems the culture would be more offended by the former than the latter.

and holy shit, no offense to my jewish friends here but please... i just saw a commercial for new hotdogs. "hebrew national" hotdogs. you havent tasted a hotdog until youve had one of these. theyre better because theyre kosher. are you kidding me?

according to indian researchers, drinking soda can help cause esophageal cancer which is usually fatal. the rebellious human attitude forces me to run and get a soda. mmmm... soda. twitch. i was also unfortunate enough to have just seen the ending of vh-1's 50 most awesomely bad songs again which i really enjoyed because thats some funny shit but now i have "we built this city on rock and roll" stuck in my head. i dont even know the song and its still lodged in there. i should be playing guitar to dislodge the sucker but im not. i should be writing in other things but im clearly not doing that either. what a fucked kid i be.

im half rescinding... umm... taking back what i said last post about dreams. i still think they have a wonderful effect on life but mine dont seem to be able to get along. in the two nights since the dream i wrote about ive had dreams that conflict it. i agree with both. its more than i can bear. oh yes, its more than i can bear. mmmm... soda.

people who drive on roads are assholes. one of my friends pointed out today how nobody has the courtesy to wave or signal when you do something nice to them anymore. ive thought about that too. im an agressive driver... sortof. not an asshole though, i let people in, do nice things all the time but are never credited for it. its frustrating really. people need to grow some fucking balls and have some courtesy. dammit.

and what to do about guitar? ive reached a symbolic plateau. done something i never figured i would do. perhaps too afraid to do simply because of the overpowering emotional pain it would cause. but i did it and now it doesnt scare me at all. so where do i go from here? ive about exhausted all the good material from my parent resource and what to move on to? ah well, there will always be something. this is a really good pepsi.

oh and always drink pepsi. it is southern and wonderful.

dadadadaaaa... in other news. hmm... it seems keith richards did an off-the-cuff performance up north somewhere recently. (keith richards is the lead guitarist for the rolling stones for you uncultured types). just got up onstage and played with the two guys up there. keith richards is a god. this is what is wonderful about musicianship and rock and roll. im sure he didnt get paid for it, not like he needs it. ive seen the dvd's of those old boys in shows. just up there having fun. thats what rock and roll is all about people, keith richards is what rock and roll is all about. hell, he may have even been playing blues i think. its what music is about. i dont play guitar to get paid. in fact, the entire thing has probably been hundreds of dollars that might never be made back but thats ok because it is one of the most enjoyable and relaxing things in my life right now. music is a beautiful thing. shit, i can even respect those guys from slipknot if they were just having fun. keith richards is my hero.

mmmm... soda.

on a completely different topic, it is odd how things work out sometimes. unvoiced opinions can be felt from miles away and perhaps obeyed. hurts either way. sometimes there just arent any good solutions for what ails you out there. what can you do then? try and ignore your problems... not really. im starting to wonder if 'let it be' is perhaps the most valuable advice out there or not. sucks to stand by and watch things happen and not speak up or at least inquire, in that mundane daily habit sort of way, how someone is doing. even if you do it every single fucking day, dont speak to them for a couple days without asking them to and it will get to you. and it will suck when you finally break down and do it to because then you are weak and any hope for equality has been lost. either way, sucks to be there. sucks to be ignored even if its rational when its light outside. its never rational in the dark. nothing is rational in the dark.

im wondering if dreams come true. i dont mean that in a good way, i mean that in a realistic way, a practical way, dreams that contrast life but inevitably form your thoughts. im wondering if dreams are the product of your subconcious and the opportunity for self-truth, your alcohol and sleeping pills. possibly not just random imaginary situations initiated by the random excercise of your brain waves at play. are dreams something to trust? can you really make decisions or judge life based on dreams? im inclined to believe so because it sure as hell has changed my life in the past. ill admit that some things were just wrong. not that i ever gave them a chance but after living life outside that world for a while, whatever notions i may have grasped because of inclinations brought forth from a dream were dispelled. this has proved a good thing; i still learn things about people every day that make my luck seem even greater. oh how wrong i was. and then again, i will never really know will i? unless i have a similar experience while under the gun again. then, hell, the whole cruel process might just repeat itself. stupid notion, painful existance, tragic enlightenment, and slow apathy. its always the same. but it feels different now. someone i met in a dream spoke to me and said exactly what i was hoping not to hear from anybody. the words have an effect on me even now and they still hurt to hear. its tough to give up, even for some cute reward that might make it all worthwhile for a while but ultimately leave you dry and burnt out in the end. shit, ill be damned if the risk isnt worth it though, whether that is to give up and take a ride or to take dreams' advice to begin with. even tonight, more proof to me that people suck. theres nothing you can do about that except give up, let them float away, and run with what it seems like you got. so what if its not tested or tried and true, its better than today. anything is better than today.

and can i really do it anyway, it would hurt like shit but its not a new concept to me, i mean hell, its an old friend by now. the impending pain makes life more interesting but after all this time wouldnt it seem like a waste to quit now? why not make the entire process a waste instead of creating short opportunity. and when i gain the certain crazy stupid courage of the circus clown and do it... i know im going to regret it. thats not even a question to me. its not enjoyable, i cant see happiness, just stupidity in my future. but can i be certain its not better than today?

and all this shit is based on a dream. but is that fucking dream based on reality or not? this could shape my entire fucking life and im not even sure if its really valid, all these inclinations and evidence circulating in my mind. what if im throwing everything important in my life away for random deep thoughts? what then, where am i without that worth, that opportunity, that chance for happiness... or what if i dont and, oh god, i miss the chance to listen to my inner self. surely your inner self is wiser isnt it? i mean really... its like mystical or some shit. i dont listen and stick with this trap, this unreal illogical thing im stuck to. i mean dammit boy, its downright stupid to think that there is any happiness coming out of this. look at it logically man, do the fucking math...

so there you have it. validity of dreams and the relations to the rest of my life. its too much to bear.

i feel like god is interferring again but oh hell it is wonderful isnt it? like sudden boosts of talent submerged in insane riffs from crazy acoustics and i dont really know where im going with this. but really, the symbolism here is killer and too weird and maybe it really is just me but my life could be back on the right track. if i can prove to myself that its possible and ultimately perform at the right times i can see this going far, people, far. and it all comes down to pure fucking symbolism and love for the sound, the music, the essence of yourself in notes and pick patterns and it is all so lovely that i cant possibly handle it myself. i need to tell someone and i need to keep it a secret because i cant handle this myself!!!! but seriously, sacredness, must protect the sacredness. but all hell this must happen and work and the future has to have both of us in it because of this. if it all comes down to it i have a secret weapon, something you never saw coming, and believe me i will win. no chance otherwise.

but is it really god again or just myself? i feel like ive gone over this far too much lately, too much thinking on the subject of god but why not? really, what better to focus on than the omnipotent? it is so fucking cool. and if it is real, all the dimensions it adds to life. its incredible, i cant comprehend it, you cant comprehend it. lets all go to college and major in theology and stage protests and get killed by radicals. why dont we? hell yes. right on. god i love this night. i wrote a poem religiously minded earlier today and one from ap exams last week so i will post them both. and even though we havent spoken, i love you too. all of you.


todays...

tell me all your thoughts on god
and let me watch your lying eyes
to find just how much you believe

and tell me all your demon's names
the angels in your head and mine
are weird enough to take the blame

and tell me how much you will pay
the devils blessings never
last too long efore you feel the pain

and tell me what youre going to do
when six billion people go to hell
just because you asked them to


and last weeks...

i dont think there ever were three truer words said to me
than paul mccartney singing forth that golden phrase, let it be

as if the answer to my pain rested low in apathy
mother mary ought to know the wisest words, let it be

very violent mood today. just angsty i guess. like i needed to shoot something. and really i meant to do just that but never got around to it. shooting things is underrated anyway. like little army men. shot the motherfucking legs off one standing on a horseshoe stake from twenty five feet first shot yesterday with an old bb gun but havent had the luck since then. i need to take it out and shoot at stuff... and soon. too bad i never found the poor bastard. hes mia. people and lonliness suck, the both of them. and people with too much nazi-responsibility and people with too little responsibility, they suck too.

i just finished a great novel by a great author. it turned me on to all life is and how utterly un-weird my life is. i need some serious excitement. i mean shit, when else am i going to have fun... ever? i want a trip across country in a convertible loaded with mean shit. i want vegas and the promise of flashbacks years up the road. but am i really crazy enough to enjoy my life? nope. and it kills me too.

and then theres god. god who is silent most of the time but sends signs every now and then. just odd events that make you realize that holy shit, god is there watching me and he has a fucking opinion. must listen to god... must... listen... to god. well if it is meaningful at all, it usually means god is on your side... or that he isnt. i seem to believe that god is on my side in my matters but hell, that may not be the case. anything you see resembling something youve prayed about can be considered a sign or else just plain luck. people do better when they have something to believe in though, even if it doesnt make sense. for example, ive prayed forever over some things and never really gotten much of a positive response from the man above until i prayed one night over the ocean. i got my sign right then and there, or at least what i thought was my sign. now that sign could signal for me to continue my struggles but it seems that course leads to perpetual pain. now the only other course seems to lead to not-quite-perpetual pain, but pain anyway. ive never really wanted that course because it leaves questions to my mind. what might have happened? ill never know. god's never really responded that way before so i really dont know how i would handle the regret of losing faith in people. maybe no regret at all... i dont know. but im scared of it. so this 'sign' i noticed after praying over the ocean. god or coincidence? if i had stayed in the hottub for a couple more minutes before going out to pray i might not have seen it. could be pure luck and timing. these things happen all the time. but if it wasnt, if god actually played a role in this little drama, then this would signal something important to me and thats something i really should take to heart. this should be considered an opportunity, a chance to really explore something that could lead to either a lifetime of happiness or a self-destructed and mutilated psyche. i really want to explore that possibility. but i really dont want to get hurt. but in reality, can you learn without a little pain? is it so terrible to suffer every now and then and not because you want to, because it is good for you? is that so weird? im not sure it is. who can really say what is in the books for me? maybe god has a plan. maybe god is hoping i will pursue that signal he sent and get hurt and fall crashing back to earth. maybe he wants my heart a bloody pulp. maybe i need to lose faith to regain it again. things tend to be sweeter after painful experiences. sweeter, sure, but less sure in ground. im pretty sure that if things go sour here, paranoia sets in and my brain slowly developes multiple personalities. yeah then you would feel sorry for me. then god would have his way. or maybe it was just nature, man-made nature, fate perhaps, that sent this whole wave crashing down. ill never really know. youll never really know. all these impossibilities will have to stand up to some mighty terrible god-power if my prayers come true. if my prayers come true... yes, mountains would crumble and seas would have to drain into their very vents. god would stop the world to let me melt with you. and then it would all be over. the impossibilities would have their way. nature would revolt and the world would come to a tragic demise, leaving me as the only happy being left. me and possibly you, hopefully you too. when the world ends. that will be me there, god and i, us three. that is, if god has anything to do with it. and i hope he does.

i love you all

edited to present link that the video may in fact be false... or at least not all true.
rense.com

listen up everybody because this is important. i believe that regardless of FCC regulations for mass news media, everyone should have access to view what they want to. so below i have a link to the entire video of the beheading of nicholas berg in iraq a while back. i realize nobody else ive seen has this but somebody should give you the opportunity to see it.

now understand me, i severely condone all of the actions exibited in the film and am not here to promote anybody. this isnt to promote anti-iraqi sentiment or hate of any kind. i simply believe that everyone should have the option, if they choose, to view it since it is publicly posted.

WARNING: the video is extremely disturbing and graphic. i can handle gruesome stuff and it made my stomach turn. this is not something you will see in movies or on television. please, please, please exhibit the strongest caution in deciding whether to view it or not.

lastly i would like to lift up prayers for nick and his family back here in the united states.

since i have no space to post it myself, here are some links to places to get it. the servers are getting hammered though, so dont expect to get through immediately.

consumption junction: video likes to stop so keep messing with it... warning: sex banners at top

ogrish: download and watch yourself... warning: sex banners at top

musings today...

the light is blinding
sometimes, somedays
and the radiating heat
touches you in so many ways
train whistle sounds like music
and a guitar's playing... somewhere
~pause for guitar distraction~
its a day for wasting time
on worthless ventures
but coming back to life
and making new friends
but at the cost of others
life is tragic like that
and im wondering about this wall
blue green white and brick
so it relates to nothing
just like me
im feeling like convincing myself
that apathy is the answer
if you pay your problems no attention
they will get bored and wander away
and ive never felt like i have seemed
brown haired and fat
never was my idea, sorry
theres nothing stuck in my head
the wood im sitting on is #2 prime
i dont know what that means
unless its that its prime material
in which case im sitting on prime material
and i dont mean my ass
whose doritos are mixing
with the sweet tarts on the ground?
but segregated and nervous
at a distance
naked


i typically start poems but never finish them... so ive compiled remnants of a couple and arranged them into a homologated poem... of sorts

i think ill pass
but inspirations just not so bold
i lay on you but you make may ass itch bitch
sad poetry is getting old
grass grass
halfway gone and halfway home
bad emotions got a strangle hold

the end

people make up too great of a variable in real life. there is no way to rationalize... to predict... to gamble on people. any minute event changes feelings, changes emotions, changes relationships. to some extent change is healthy but to others it just isnt. people play too great a role in life. without sociality, our psyche's would shrivel up and crawl into a corner to die but with the people variable... it is more suffering than anything. like it or not some people will consider your feelings when you dont want them to and others will walk all over you when you need them most. some will draw you in and others repel you and you will never know why. your variable is as fucked up as anybody else is. a rational person is rarer than a true friend and just about as worthless when you are staring down the barrel of an irrational person's gun. the people variable is what makes marriages end and facists tyrants. it causes happiness when you least expect it. turn-ons and turn-offs are unreliable because of it. miss america isnt a rational person.

but most of all the people variable causes suffering, pain, addiction, withdrawl, sacrifice, and honest to god worthless confusion. the people variable fucks me over every single day. drawing off one or both of two people the singularity is enough to kill you. drawing off the mass reaction and popular sentiment of the day the multiplicity is enough to kill you. and both tend to walk on carpet with socks and shock you whenever they can. and there is nothing you can do about it. you can take happy pills to keep you awake and booze to keep you asleep but eventually you will snap out of it and realize that you were never really happy or sad to begin with. you were just bored.

i blame all my pain on the people variable. maybe all of a sudden a certain action of another person will turn me off completely. the hardest thing in the world to do is continue on the charade. so i stand up... find something else calling my name... and walk away. walk away feeling like the icecream box after a long hot day. everybody reached in and scooped out what they like and now the icecream box walks away with a dazed glaze in its eye. yes, thats me. or i could walk up and learn how close someone felt to me at that moment when i was approaching. it doesnt help to rationalize because the people variable doesnt take into account any specific thing you were promoting. so dont worry. shut up and kiss the girl. or lick the frozen flagpole... same difference. this is the people variable we are talking about. this right now, this heartburn in my side, this sickness that i feel isnt because of anything but reactions to people. good reactions, bad reactions... it is like a dream. maybe someday i will see a construction worker step on a flower and something will die inside. i would rather that happen than deal with the people variable. at least then there is something immediate, something identifiable, something to deal with. flowers get stepped on in every conversation and i would never know it until that sinking in my stomach starts again. that relentless hopeless worthless feeling that all my flowers were born with numbered petals. just to be systematically destroyed when the time comes for me to find something to appreciate in life.

and the utter uselessness of worrying about things. it is sickening also how the variable resets. anything less than a true event will be dead to me the next morning. of course i will remember the way i feel right now when i wake up in the morning. of course i can read these words tomorrow night... but will i be able to recreate the feeling? no... not unless the variables of whoever i come in contact with allow me to do this dance again. every day i wake up and try and feel but i cant. there is no use in trying to hurt if you dont. some people might call it unhealthy. but it is the only constant i know and its all i have to depend on when things get rough. my pain is better than your pain. and in the morning when you complain, what am i to respond with? but sorry... ive got nothing. havent been awake long enough to realize the fickle world hates me just like it did yesterday and the day before that.

it is natural to carry about reminders of things you care about. whether that is a picture or a charm or a gift or whatever. is it worthwhile? that is all a question of whether you have anything to look forward to or not. you could have something to look forward to until the people variable kills off any chance of happiness but then what about that picture? can you really stand to throw it away? chances are against it. unless a fit of rage dances in and happily disposes of the evidence then you are as fucked as the next guy. everyday life isnt a business trip. not everyone has that happy partner back at home caring for the kids and waiting desperately for your return. to most people these mementos either carry minimal meaning or symbolize the pain they cant live without. that irrational behaviour (i like the british spelling) that fuels our normal lives tends to plant some irrational little parasitic seed of hope. that seed of hope will grow into a vine that thrives off your emotions and wraps itself around your neck and balls until you up and die. there is no other way out of it. that is, unless you free your balls and burn the picture and destroy the charms and renounce the gifts and get the fuck over it. but who wants to do that anyway?

people make more pain than happiness. that is a tough fact to argue. maybe that is why cats are so appealing... they dont think. they dont care. they couldnt give less of a fuck who the hell you are as long as you tend to their wishes and feed them periodically. cats and dogs simplify things. there isnt so much a variable in predicting the behaviour of a house pet. its healthy to know that unconditional love is another name for apathetic dependancy. i really hope you realize that. the human variable is so hurtful and wonderful because it truely means something. it is a hard thing to get over and an impossible cancer to remove. after all... if we were all cats and dogs instead, we would still have to lean on each other eventually.

like i said last week... its hard to post over something i like... and i did like last week's post. oh such a good mood... hard to believe it was a week ago. and so much has changed. i dont know if im better off or not.

it occurred to me upon looking out the window that i must write some tonight. simply because there is this incredible moon rising. it reminds me of werewolves and creedance clearwater revival. its a royal pain to keep getting up and walking to the window behind me to do this. sometime soon i hope to have a laptop that i can just sit outside under a sky like tonight's and write out there. would be lovely dont you think? the moon has been terrifically bright the past couple nights. like scary bright. like the people's teeth on the commercials where the tooth brightener is spelled like "brite" cause then you know its really bright.

its wonderful out tonight. a bit cool though. i was hoping it would be a bit warmer... all the requisite sounds are presend, the buzz and throbbing drone of the insects and frogs down by the creek, that dog barking off somewhere a couple houses away etc. the air is heavy with night. air takes on certain qualities at night and during rain etc. its heavy. with moisture i guess. obviously i mean. its easy to smell the wood from the deck and hear the distant rumble and squeal of somebody far off... probably at the country raceway.

but anyway, back to the moon. it is a melon-ish color at the moment. you know the kind, when you can almost see the atmosphere like a film over it. some people would say its hiding behind the trees in my backyard but thats not how it feels. it is more violent than that, not a peaceful moon. its a bad moon rising. imagine escaping from jail and hiding out in the forest 300 feet away. you can see the searchlight through all the brush between you and the tower, the light all fragmented and such, just shining through the cracks and chips. you can feel it seeing you although it would be almost impossible to. moons are fun.

in other news, my mother made cookies but apparently she failed on the first batch so we have them here at home instead of being delivered to another family. it seems intrinsically wrong that cookies are failures for appearance instead of taste. they taste good to me, just a bit ugly. oh well, judgmental people. more cookies for me anyway.